Half Life
by Blossomwitch
Summary: When Kurama found a way to separate himself and Shuichi, he felt he owed it to the human to do so. Now the team needs Kurama's memories, but Kurama is nowhere to be found. Shuichi will have to remember. Implied yaoi.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: I've thought about this story for a long time and wavered back and forth on it, and finally decided to go ahead and write it. Updates may be slow, but I promise I'm still working on it. _

CHAPTER ONE

"Shuichi."

Shuichi looked up, startled. A man he had just walked past was staring at him intently. The man looked vaguely familiar, like Shuichi might have known him a long time ago, but he couldn't come up with a name or a place. "Yes?" he said cautiously.

The man was still staring at him--not just intently, but with some kind of shock or dismay. Something sad. The hairs on Shuichi's neck started to raise slightly--he wished the light would change so he could cross the street. Maybe this man wouldn't be going the same way. "Do you know who I am?" the man asked.

Shuichi shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said, as politely as he could manage while feeling slightly spooked out. "I don't recognize you."

The man sighed. His face seemed to grow a little longer. "That's how it's supposed to be. But I thought I'd try first."

The light changed. Shuichi immediately stepped onto the crosswalk, but to his chagrin the stranger kept pace with him. His tone when he spoke again was more brisk. "Well, hey, you may not remember me, but we used to be friends," he said. "Good friends."

"If we had been friends, I would remember you," Shuichi said curtly.

"Not necessarily. There's huge chunks of your life that you don't remember, Shuichi. I'm one of them."

Shuichi stopped in his tracks, staring. The stranger was a few steps ahead before he realized Shuichi had stopped and turned around. "I'd wait until we're back on the sidewalk to do that, if I were you."

Shuichi shut his mouth--which he had opened without realizing it--and took the last few steps to get off the crosswalk. "Who are you?"

"Name's Kuwabara. Ring a bell?"

"No."

"Damn. This is going to be hard."

"What makes you think I--"

"Look, let's keep walking while we talk, okay?" Kuwabara's voice sounded urgent, and he took Shuichi's elbow to get him moving again. "This is going to take a really long time to explain and we don't have that much time, so we gotta move while we talk. And I gotta start by saying I really, really wish I didn't have to do this, and I meant to leave you alone and everything like Kurama had us promise and--"

"Kurama?" Shuichi said sharply.

Kuwabara looked at him appraisingly. "That rang a bell, didn't it."

Shuichi nodded mutely. He didn't know what he could have possibly said. Didn't know what was going on or who he was walking with, so he couldn't possibly explain that the name Kurama was sprawled in his childhood penmanship books with more diligence than his own; that it was on a note, half-burned and full of words he didn't know, that he'd found in the back of his closet; that twice strangers had hailed him by that name, and then hurriedly faded into the background when they saw his confusion. That neither of those strangers had been human.

"How much do you remember about Kurama?" Kuwabara asked.

"Nothing," Shuichi answered truthfully.

Kuwabara waited for more, but Shuichi didn't say anything. "You remember his name," Kuwabara finally pointed out.

Shuichi's heart was thudding in his chest, but he kept his tone composed. "Kuwabara-san, I don't know you. You seem to know me. You have me at a complete disadvantage; therefore, I'd appreciate it if you'd explain yourself before expecting me to do the same."

Kuwabara paused, and then smiled. "That sounds like something Kurama would say."

"Who is Kurama?"

"Walk this way, would you?" Kuwabara pulled him down a different street than the one they had been on--Shuichi followed him without hesitation, even though it was out of his way. "Kurama is--man, this is hard. No wonder no one else volunteered to come get you. Listen, can this wait until we get on the train?"

Shuichi came to a dead halt. Kuwabara, again, was a few steps ahead of him before he realized he had lost his companion and turned around. "I'm not going anywhere with you," Shuichi said.

Kuwabara nodded. "Yeah, I get it. I'm a stranger and I sound like a lunatic and you don't think it's safe to get on a train with me. But I don't have time to make you comfortable or make myself clear to you, okay? Some friends of mine are in real trouble and you might be the only person in the world who can find them. We don't have a lot of time, and we do have a long way to go."

Shuichi folded his arms and looked at him skeptically. Kuwabara took a few steps closer to him. "Ever see a ghost?" he asked casually.

Shuichi didn't say anything, but he felt his eyes widen. "Ever see something that wasn't human?" Kuwabara continued. "Or known something was going to happen before it did? Didn't you ever wonder why you can see all this stuff that no one else can? It's because of everything that happened to you. Even if you don't remember it, your body and your brain were there. So you're psychic--you have heightened spirit awareness. Like mine. I know a lot about you, I know your family, I know most of what happened to you when you can't remember it. I can answer all your questions, but I don't have time to do it here. If you listen to everything I have to say and you still think I'm nuts, you can get off the train. I won't stop you."

Kuwabara waited. Shuichi felt paralyzed. He felt like he was in a Twilight Zone rerun, or a strange dream, and he knew more than guessed that he was about to get involved in something very dangerous--

But he didn't remember half of his life. And this person knew. So Shuichi stepped forward. Kuwabara nodded. "This way."


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Whenever I think a story is going to take me forever to write, it writes itself, and whenever I think it's going to go easy it takes forever. Maybe I should try always predicting slow updates? Anyway, enjoy. The chapters will be gradually getting longer after this. _

CHAPTER TWO

"So... you're saying that I was--a demon?"

"Sort of." Kuwabara was sprawled across several seats on the nearly empty train; his face, in contrast to his body, was scrunched up in concentration. "No, not really. It's more like, you didn't even _exist_ until about a year ago. Not as a separate person, at least. The way Kurama explained it to me, you and him were combined into a single person. Half human, half demon. But the demon was older and more powerful than the human, so it was his memories and abilities that dominated your personality. You were like--a kind of overlay onto him."

"And that's why I don't remember anything about it? Because his personality is stronger?"

"When Kurama found out that there was a way to split the two of you apart, he decided to take all your joint memories that had to do with demons and demonic things. He kept saying that he wanted you to have a chance to be as normal as you could be. He always felt guilty for taking that away from you. Plus, he had this stupid, stupid idea that Shiori would be happier with her 'real' son, which was asinine because Kurama _was_ her real son. But in the end it didn't really matter what we said--Kurama wanted to do it, so nobody could stop him. He learned the technique and he split himself from you, but it didn't work perfectly. He's not quite himself since then--he can be really hazy on what happened during those years. We knew there was a chance that might happen. And there's some things that he ought to remember that he can't. We don't know if those memories got lost somewhere or if you still have them--we couldn't come and ask because he made us all promise to leave you alone. He's going to be so pissed off when he finds out I'm telling you all this."

"Why _are_ you telling me all this?"

Kuwabara reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled photograph. "Do you recognize this guy?"

Shuichi took the picture, noticing as he reached for it that his arm was shaking slightly. He tried to ignore his fear and adrenaline and studied the picture carefully, hoping for remembrance. The photo was of a teenage boy, short and sullen-looking, with hair that stood straight on its ends. If he'd been a part of Shuichi's favorite book series and able to move, he would have been fighting his way out of the edges of the photograph, because it was clear he was disgusted to be having his picture taken. His lip was curled and his hands were shoved into his pockets, and he threw a long shadow onto the ground behind him. _Flying shadows?_

Shuichi shook his head slowly. "No. I'm sorry, I don't."

Kuwabara sighed as he reached for the photograph back. "Man, I hope Genkai can help."

"Who's Genkai?"

"Yusuke's teacher."

"Who's Yusuke?"

"... Nevermind. You'll meet them both when we get there. Genkai thinks there might be a way to help you get back those stray memories--the ones that didn't go with Kurama like he'd planned. We have to get you to remember because the guy in the photo is missing, and you might be able to find him if you remember."

"Why? Who is he?"

"Hiei. He and Kurama are really close friends. He's been missing for nearly two months."

"Why don't you just ask Kurama where to find him, then?"

"Well, because Kurama's missing too, of course. He dropped off the face of the planet first, and then Hiei a couple of days later. We didn't think anything of it at first because we figured they were off somewhere together. Ever since Kurama went back to being a full demon he and Hiei have been running around together a lot. But they've been gone a long time."

Kuwabara stopped speaking abruptly, and looked at his hands. Shuichi frowned. He spoke slowly. "So they've been gone a long time... and yet, it's urgent that you and I go to see this Genkai at once. You couldn't even take the time to explain things to me before putting me on the train. Furthermore, two people are missing--but you have only asked me to locate one of them. What aren't you telling me?"

Kuwabara squirmed. He didn't look at Shuichi when he answered. "Someone who works for Spirit World came to see us," he said. "They usually know ahead of time, in Spirit World, when somebody's going to die. I mean, sometimes they flub up and don't expect it and sometimes they miss it just because so many people die on any given day, but I guess they knew this time. So this person, she's not supposed to let us know about things like that, but she's our friend. She stopped by Yusuke's place and he said she was a total nervous wreck and that she didn't say anything outright but that she made it pretty clear to him he ought to find Hiei and he ought to do it yesterday, or something really bad was going to happen. When the messenger is the grim reaper, it doesn't take a genius to figure out what the bad thing is going to be."

Shuichi was silent for a moment, letting the information process. The train rumbled underneath them. "So... you believe that if you don't find Hiei quickly, he'll die." Kuwabara nodded. "Did the... grim reaper? The grim reaper really visits this Yusuke person?"

"Well, yeah. She used to work for him, but they're just friends now."

"...Did she give you any idea how long you have?"

"She said something about a week. But it's been my experience that when she says a week it winds up being two days. They like to change the times around on you in Spirit World. Anyway, that was several days ago."

"You must be desperate."

"Desperate?"

"To come and track me down," Shuichi clarified. "I mean, if even half of what you've been telling me is true, then you have much better ways of locating Hiei than talking to someone who can't even recognize his picture."

"We tried. We tried everything--we talked to everybody who knows him, we asked people to help look for him, we all spread out and searched for clues and we got nothing. We looked _everywhere_." Kuwabara's speech was slightly harried, and Shuichi could see the guilt written across his face. "Then this morning me and Urameshi sat down and thought it through, and we realized that anything powerful enough to capture both Hiei and Kurama and keep them captive for this long wouldn't be able to hide itself. There'd be at least _some_ clue. Which means that Hiei and Kurama are hiding themselves for some reason, and they might not even know they're in danger. And since nobody can find a single clue to where they are, it's got to be someplace only the two of them know about. Which makes you our best chance of finding them before..."

He trailed off awkwardly. Shuichi frowned. "But, Kuwabara... I don't know anything. I don't have any memories of all this."

"Yeah, you do. Or at least, that's what Genkai says. It's complicated, I don't really understand it. But if there's even a chance of it working, then we have to try."

"I see."

Kuwabara shifted in an effort to get more comfortable against the seats. "I have a question for you."

"Yes?"

"How come you're taking all this so calmly? I thought I was going to have to drag you up to the temple kicking and screaming."

"That wouldn't have made me very good help, would it?"

"Seriously. How come you act like this is--"

"Old news?" Shuichi interrupted him. Kuwabara shrugged and nodded. Shuichi felt his face hardening. "I can't remember half my life, Kuwabara. And I've never told that to anyone. Not my friends, not my family, not the therapist my mother insists that I see because she says I had a sudden personality change. But you walked up to me on the street and _told_ me how much I couldn't remember. You knew my name, and you knew that I see ghosts and--demons, I guess, the things that aren't human. It's obvious that you knew _me_ somewhere in the past. If everything you've said to me is true, then Kurama stole my life from me. I'd like to get it back."

Kuwabara looked like he didn't know what to say to that. Shuichi looked out the window, watching the increasingly sparse signs of life zooming up on them and then fading away behind. Wondering what Kurama looked like. What his favorite colors were, his favorite foods, favorite music. If they would be the same as Shuichi's, or not. If there would prove to be anything Shuichi liked and disliked independent of Kurama, or if all his choices would prove to be echoes of the one who had shared his body.

If he would ever get a chance to ask. Or if the missing two would never be found.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: You lucky people, two chapters in a week. Enjoy!_

CHAPTER THREE

The temple Kuwabara took Shuichi to was miles away from the nearest bus stop, at the top of enough stairs that Shuichi had to stop and rest twice on the way up, and generally isolated enough to make Shuichi feel like he was walking into the plot of a horror film. First the intriguing set up, then they lure him far away from civilization, and then...

He tried to ignore the morbid thoughts. Kuwabara acted completely at home on this intimidating property. He led Shuichi without hesitation to a room off to one side of the building and opened the door without knocking. "Found him," he announced.

Shuichi looked around apprehensively. There were maybe half a dozen people in the room--most of them women, but one man, who instantly got up and strode towards them. His eyes were fixed intently on Shuichi. He looked troubled. "Shuichi?"

"And you are?" Shuichi managed to stammer back, despite a feeling of trepidation. The man coming towards him wasn't human. Not human, and generating an aura of power that made Shuichi want to back away.

The man stopped in his tracks a few feet away. "Yusuke," he said softly, an unreadable expression on his face. Then he shook his head. "Man, is it ever weird to have to introduce myself to you. You--" He shook his head again. "You look like him."

"He doesn't remember a thing," Kuwabara informed Yusuke. "Not even our names. How is this going to help?"

"Hey, ask the old lady." Yusuke jerked his thumb towards one of the women in the room. She was quite small and elderly, but her eyes were sharp as she looked at Shuichi, completely ignoring the others. He felt slightly frightened by her, but he couldn't look away.

"Do you understand what is being asked of you?" she asked suddenly. Her voice grated with age.

"I... not really," Shuichi stammered. "That is... sort of." The woman looked unimpressed, and Shuichi tried to give a better answer. "I mean, I understand you're supposed to--oh, I'm sorry, I assumed you were Genkai. Are you?" The woman nodded. "Then I understood that you're going to do something that might let me remember some of Kurama's memories, and then--then hopefully I'll remember something that will allow Kuwabara and Yusuke to find Hiei."

"And do you understand what that process will be like?" Shuichi shook his head. "Then listen carefully," she said briskly.  
"I don't have time to make you really understand this, but I won't do it without at least something resembling consent from you. When Kurama chose to split the two of you apart, he did his best to control where all of your joint memories would wind up, but complete control would have been impossible even for someone considerably more skilled in the art than he was. From talking with him I can guess that a great many memories got missed--they are in neither of your conscious minds. It is possible that those memories still reside in _your_ subconscious, since it is your body and brain that were there for these experiences. If that's true, we may be able to help you access them. It's not likely that these memories will be very clear--things passing from the unconscious to the conscious mind tend to be jumbled and distorted, and the experience can be frightening. My technique should not be physically painful, but I can't guarantee it. I also can't guarantee that these numbskulls won't drag you all over Makai looking for Hiei. Those are the risks. Do you accept them?"

Shuichi was too stunned by the onslaught of information to respond immediately. "I...Makai?" He looked around the circle of anxious faces. "I don't want to go there."

"Why not?" Yusuke demanded.

"Because--isn't it obvious? Because it's full of demons! Demons eat humans!"

"You're with me," Yusuke replied. His tone was fierce. "Nothing's going to even think about coming after you if you're with me. So if you've got any other objections say them fast, because every second we spend here could be one too many."

Shuichi opened his mouth, then shut it, then opened it again. "But--but I don't know you. That's all well and good for you to say, but you'd say the same thing even if it wasn't true, just because you need me to help you. How am I supposed to know it's true?"

Yusuke's face screwed up. He turned away, raised one hand in the air--

And the next thing Shuichi knew half the ceiling had been destroyed in a ball of light and noise, they were all being showered with dust, and Shuichi had hidden himself behind Kuwabara. Yusuke had barely moved and shown absolutely no sign of exertion. "That's how. Any other questions?"

All the women except for Genkai had been silent up until now, but now one of them took a cigarette out of her mouth and commented, "Yusuke, that wasn't fair. You're scaring the kid."

"I don't have time--"

"To alienate the one person who can help you, dimwit," Genkai broke in. "And you had better have a plan to fix my roof. Did it even occur to you that some of that debris might have hit someone?"

Yusuke's face showed clearly that he had _not_ thought of this; he whirled around to check on the girls clustered together. The girl with the cigarette was glaring; the girl next to her was wearing an even worse expression and mouthing the word "brat" at Yusuke, and a third was brushing dust off her kimono. Shuichi found himself suddenly abandoned as Kuwabara dashed to this girl's side and started fussing over her, shooting dark looks at Yusuke.

Yusuke looked chagrined. Shuichi felt a pang of sympathy. Yes, Yusuke was harsh and impatient, but he was also obviously beside himself with worry. "Well, I'll certainly take that into consideration," Shuichi said carefully. Yusuke offered him half a smile. "Just promise to warn me before you do that again."

"Sure. And, uh, sorry if I scared you. That was... kinda dumb."

Shuichi mentally designated Yusuke _nice-guy-having-bad-day_. He turned to the group in general. "All of you know Kurama, right?" Nods all around. "Do you think if I do this, he'll talk to me?"

Blank stares all around. Yusuke was finally the one who answered. "Probably," he said. "But only after he's finished ripping everyone else a new one. He wanted you to be normal--"

"He's an idiot," Shuichi cut him off, firmly. "Losing half your memories is nobody's idea of normal." He looked at Genkai and took a deep breath. "Okay. I'll do it."


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

It felt like some kind of wave--something passing over and through him that didn't hurt, but nonetheless exerted a kind of pressure. Part of him knew that it existed only in his brain, and another part of him was equally sure that it was traveling systematically through his body. It was hard to breathe--was that panic, or just the pressure of the wave? He opened his eyes, over and over and over again he opened them, but he still saw nothing.

He heard voices. He didn't know what they were saying, but they echoed and reverberating, turning and churning over and over again like they were all tumbling inside the chamber of a kaleidoscope. He felt heavy. He couldn't move, but that was alright, because he had no desire to.

Then--images, flashing one right after another, too quickly to make sense. Almost too fast to be identified. A red necklace. Wings. Horns. Blind eyes. Red eyes. Silver tails. Playing with fox cubs. Playing with someone's cat. A seed, cradled in someone's palm. A dead child. His mother. His mother? A broken mirror. A full moon.

Shuichi tried to catch them as they went past, but they only went faster until they became a blur and Shuichi closed his eyes--like he had opened them, over and over, he now closed them again and again until he could see nothing, hear nothing, feel nothing but a pleasant humming in his bones.

"I think he's coming to."

That was Kuwabara's voice. Shuichi knew that. But only because he had met Kuwabara today.

"Give him time. Don't wake him prematurely." That was Genkai--the humming was fading away, but it thrummed again briefly at her voice, like a cat purring for its owner.

"Do you think it worked?" A girl's voice, very hushed. Shuichi didn't know who had spoken. No name came into his head to match the voice, no sense of recognition. It hadn't worked.

Had it? He still felt odd somehow, like his senses had been sharpened. The air tasted different. But he couldn't remember anything. Except for that nonsensical jumble of images--but surely there was nothing in there that could help them find Hiei or Kurama?

Shuichi opened his eyes--his real, physical eyes this time. He was greeted by the sight of several faces hovering over him, and only then realized that he was lying on his back on the floor. He located Genkai amongst the faces and spoke to her. "I don't think it worked." His voice rasped like he hadn't had a drink for days.

"You didn't expect to wake up and remember everything, did you? It takes time for things to work their way from the subconscious to the conscious."

Shuichi pushed himself to a sitting position, and the people hovering around him backed up a bit to give him space. "But--then how can I be of help?" he asked, one hand to his head as though to make sure it was still properly attached. He felt a little dizzy. "Hiei doesn't have time for me to remember."

"Any memories you possess should no longer be dormant," Genkai said. "It's up to these numbskulls to help you find your way to them. But I have to add that if nothing about any of us triggers any sort of reaction in you, then this probably isn't going to work."

Shuichi looked around the circle of solemn, frightened faces. He felt helpless. "I'm sorry," he said, "but could you three please tell me your names? Nobody's introduced us yet."

Everyone's shoulders sagged. But the girl with the cigarette, the one who had scolded Yusuke earlier, rallied herself and said, "I'm Shizuru. I'm that lug's sister." She gestured vaguely at Kuwabara. "This is Keiko, and this is Yukina."

Shuichi blinked. Yukina--what a pretty name. He looked at the girl with the oddly colored hair, wondering why he hadn't paid her more attention before. Pretty name, pretty kimono, pretty girl--and everything, her name and her dress and herself, as delicate as crystals. Except for her red eyes. "Yukina?" he repeated in confusion.

She nodded, her eyes wide. "Yes?"

Her voice was pretty, too. Shuichi decided he liked her. If only...

He frowned slightly. If only _what_? If only someone would do something for her. Tell her who she was. Who was she?

Shuichi was just drawing the breath to ask when a hand clamped down over his mouth. He jumped, but before he could pull away Yusuke was whispering urgently in his ear. "Hey, if you're remembering that Hiei and Yukina are related I hope you're remembering that there's a lot of people in this room that don't know that. Like Yukina. Right? Remember?"

He took his hand away from Shuichi's mouth, looking at him with some combination of fright and hope. Shuichi looked back at him with what he was sure was much the same expression. "I--I didn't remember any of that," he stammered. "But--I remembered _something_. I knew there was _some_ reason that..." He trailed off, trying to remember exactly what he had been thinking when Yusuke had interrupted. It was like trying to remember a wisp of a dream, but he thought--he _thought_--that he had been moving in the direction that there was something somebody ought to tell Yukina. Would he had have ever arrived at the knowledge that Yusuke had given him? How long would it have taken him?

He looked around at everybody again, now with intensity, hoping something else would spark a reaction in him. Nothing did. "What should I remember?" he asked. "I can't remember anything just looking at you all. But when you said her name..."

"Try showing him Hiei's picture again," Shizuru suggested. "It can't hurt."

Kuwabara dug the photo out of his pocket and handed it to Shuichi. Shuichi took it, looking at it eagerly. "That's this temple," he realized instantly. "The porch he's standing on." He frowned. "Who took this picture?"

No one answered. Shuichi wasn't sure if he was making it up, but he thought he remembered holding a camera. Hearing a deep voice threaten his life if he used it, hearing his own voice reply cheerfully that he'd take his chances. The camera's flash. "I took this picture. I mean, Kurama did." He looked around. "Right?"

Everyone still looked a bit confused. "I don't know," Yusuke finally answered. "It was on my camera, but I didn't take it. There were a lot of people there that day. Kurama might have done it. I don't know."

Shuichi looked back at the photograph. He was more and more certain that he could remember taking it. The way Hiei had scowled and sulked, but nonetheless had stayed put, when he could have disappeared long before the shutter clicked. He was very fast, Hiei.

Shuichi's heart was pounding. This was wonderful--and at the same time, hopeless. He was starting to remember fragments of his life, putting answers to a few of the million little questions. But how would these random scraps get them to Hiei in time? Something which suddenly seemed a much more urgent and important task to Shuichi than it had before.

So he turned to Genkai again. "What now?"

She studied him for a moment. "What was it that you remembered earlier? When you heard Yukina's name."

Yusuke answered before Shuichi could. "Confidential information, grandma."

"What sort of confidential information?" Kuwabara demanded. "I don't know it."

Yusuke rolled his eyes. "That's what confidential means."

"It's important, dimwit," Genkai snapped. "He could have guessed or made up the bit about the photograph. Could he have guessed whatever it was?"

Yusuke shook his head. "No, he couldn't have guessed it. But he didn't remember it all the way, either."

Shuichi interrupted them as a sudden thought struck him. "Is Hiei with his friend?"

"What friend?" Kuwabara asked, giving him an odd look.

"That one with the fake eye and the red hair. He's always there when Kurama's trying to find him," Shuichi explained, barely aware of what his words would be before they left his mouth. "Has anyone looked there?"

He could tell by their faces that he'd said something right. "He's not there," Genkai said crisply, "but that was _not_ a false or half-formed memory. That was real. The technique worked."

"You're sure he's not there?" Shuichi had a muddled, resentful feeling clinging to him, one that told him that Hiei was _always_ there when Shuichi wanted him.

"Mukuro's one of the first people we asked for help," Yusuke said. "He's not with her. She hasn't seen him any more recently than we have."

Shuichi felt disappointed--so much for that lead. But Genkai moved closer to him and said, "I have a question. And it may prove to be an important one, so listen carefully. Shuichi, try to remember what you would do if you needed to hide somewhere. Where would you go?"

A myriad of images swept through Shuichi's mind, confused and blurring into each other. He could tell some of them were of places underground, and all of them had greenery around them, and most of them had objects--jewelry and statues and golden coins. He shook his head, trying to clear it. "There's too many," he said indistinctly.

"Too many?" Yusuke echoed.

Yukina spoke up. "The legend is that Youko Kurama was never caught because he had a den inside every territory in Makai. That would be hundreds."

"We can't go looking for hundreds of dens," Kuwabara exclaimed. "Even if we had a bunch more people we still wouldn't have enough time."

"All of you shut up," Genkai snapped. "Let the boy think. Shuichi, try this: if you and Hiei both had to hide somewhere together, where would you go?"

This time the image was very strong: Hiei, standing inside Shuichi's own room, half a smile on his lips, demanding to know something. Shuichi laughing and shaking his head and denying, saying no, never, not under the most extreme torture. Hiei continuing to demand, but it wasn't real, it was a game, a game because they both knew--

"Kurama would never tell," Shuichi declared. "He wouldn't have told Hiei where any of those dens were."

"Somewhere else, then," Genkai coached him. "Someplace other than a den."

But even though he concentrated as hard as he could, Shuichi's mind remained blank. Nothing. "There is no place else."

"It's got to be one of those dens," Yusuke said. "We would have found them by now if it was anything else."

"But he just said Kurama never would have told Hiei about them," Kuwabara objected.

Yusuke scowled. "Well, he must have done it after the split so Shuichi can't remember it. Kurama's been--you know--not so careful, with everything. Not so guarded. He could have told Hiei sometime in the last year. Anyway, I can't think of any other way they could still be hidden from us."

Nobody said anything for a minute. Then Keiko spoke for the first time. "Here's an idea," she said. "Shuichi, try to remember--say, if you were daydreaming sometime, just idly thinking about it, if you ever _were_ to show one of your dens to somebody--to Hiei, that is--where would it be? What would you want to show him?"

Shuichi looked down at the picture he held, staring at Hiei's image. _What would I want to show to him_? Blankness. No, worse than blankness, a sense of resistance. _There wasn't anything I wanted to show him._ Shuichi frowned in concentration. _If we had to hide together, if I had to take him to one of my... dens. Where?_ Nothing.

He could hear restless stirring around him, but he kept staring at the photograph, determined to come up with the right question, the right phrase, that would jog the memory they needed. _Okay. It's not to hide, and it's not to show him something. What other reason could they have for vanishing like that_? What could compel Kurama to break that laughing promise that Shuichi remembered, to never reveal any of the locations, if not to hide from enemies or show off a treasure?

Shuichi tried to remember how Keiko had first phrased her question. Something about daydreaming. _If I was going to show him one of the dens just because, just for no other reason, what would it have been?_

Abruptly, an image slid into focus. A waterfall. The waterfall was over one side of the entrance, and the other came out on the side of the mountain--there were always two entrances. The den was underneath the pool that the waterfall created, and when you were inside it you could hear the pleasant thrum of the water over your head. It was the first. Others were safer, but this--this was home.

Shuichi looked up. He had been staring at the photograph for so long that he could see its outline in red over his regular vision. "There's a waterfall."

"A waterfall?" Genkai said dubiously.

"It's his favorite. There's a waterfall over the entrance. I think it might be the first one he ever made. He would go there if it was for some reason other than to hide."

"But they _are_ hiding."

"I don't remember anything when I try to think where I would go with Hiei to hide. I think if I was with Hiei, I _wouldn't _hide. I would fight." Shuichi blinked. That last part had come out unexpectedly.

"It's the only thing we've got to go on," Shizuru said. "I say, let's try t find this den that Shuichi remembers."

"Do you remember anything about it other than that there was a waterfall?" Kuwabara asked anxiously. "'Cause there's a lot of waterfalls out there."

"It's in the mountains somewhere." Shuichi bit his lip, trying to think of anything else about the image in his mind that might be helpful. "I would recognize it if I saw it."

"You said it was the first one he made," Keiko said. "Does anyone know where Kurama grew up?"

There was a moment of silence. Then Yusuke stood up. "I don't," he said, "but I bet Yomi will. Or if he doesn't he might know who knows. I'll go find him."

To Shuichi's surprise, nobody stopped Yusuke as he strode purposefully out of the room. "Are we sure he'll come back?" he asked once Yusuke had vanished. "He seems--well--impatient." And finding someone who might know someone who might know something seemed an awfully bad plan to Shuichi--but he didn't mention it. The fact that they had come to him proved they were desperate.

"He'll come back," Genkai said. "He needs you to help him find the right place."

"Then why didn't we go with him? Wouldn't it save time?"

"No. Yomi travels--he can be difficult to find, and Yusuke can move faster by himself than with all of us in tow. Also, Yomi might not react well to the presence of a bunch of humans, but he'll listen to Yusuke. We're better off letting him do this part alone."

Kuwabara shifted restlessly. "So are we just gonna sit around and wait for him to get back? There's got to be something we can do."

"There is," Shuichi answered, and everyone looked at him in surprise. "Ask me questions. Help me get back my memories. Maybe I'll know something that will help by the time Yusuke gets back."


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

It took nearly four hours for Yusuke to return. By that time, Shuichi had gathered together a number of torn memories, vague feelings, intuitions, images and voices. Some of them might prove useful, and some of them might not. Shuichi didn't care quite as much about that distinction as everyone else did. He did care, of course, but everything he remembered was its own small golden victory to him. It was exhilarating and frightening and comforting all at once. It was only tiny scraps, but it was his life.

He had figured out a little bit of why he was so good at biology--especially botany--at school. He remembered that Hiei always came in and out through the window in his bedroom, though for the life of him he couldn't figure out why he didn't just take the stairs. He remembered wrapping bandages over Hiei's arm, over an injury that looked like it must have hurt a great deal. He had the image of a tournament ring with a first aid tent set up to one side and Yusuke yelling at him--he supposed Kurama had been injured. He also had a memory, very visceral, of a tall and slender man with raven hair and a mask. When that memory surfaced it had sent him scuttling to Kuwabara's side, seeking protection from a phantom.

Kuwabara was still assuring him that the man was dead and explaining a little bit about the tournament in which they had encountered him when Yusuke came through the door, looking grim. Everyone clustered around him immediately. "Did you find him?" Keiko asked.

"Yeah, I found him. Took me awhile to get the bastard to realize I was serious and someone's life was on the line. He told me the area that Kurama first started getting a reputation in and it does have mountains in it, but he doesn't know if Kurama actually grew up there or not. And he said all the other old gang members are dead and he doesn't know anyone who's known Kurama longer than him and is still alive."

Shuichi was a little frightened--he wondered how old Kurama was and why all the people who knew him were dead, but he knew it wasn't the right time to ask. Kuwabara was standing up and dusting off his hands. "Okay," he said. "Urameshi and I will go check it out and be back."

Almost everyone made some sort of protest, but Yusuke's voice rose loud and clear above the others. "He's coming with us," he told Kuwabara, pointing at Shuichi.

"Urameshi, that's not cool! Kurama wouldn't have wanted us to take Shuichi into Makai."

"Shuichi said he would recognize the right place if he saw it. There's gotta be a ton of rivers and waterfalls in that mountain range and we might not even realize it if we found the right one. We have to take him."

"We're coming too," Keiko said stubbornly.

Yusuke turned on her angrily. "Are you out of your mind? The last thing I need right now is to lead a human convention through the middle of Makai! I want to spend my time finding Hiei, not fighting off a bunch of demons who think you guys look like lunch."

Keiko's eyes were blazing. "I thought you told Shuichi nothing would come after him if he was with you. Isn't that true for all of us?"

"It'll take too much time. And some of the stupid ones will attack anyway with that many humans. We'll be slower."

Shizuru blew a cloud of smoke dangerously close to Yusuke's face. "You're going to have to travel at a human's pace anyway," she said, gesturing at Shuichi. "Seeing all of us helped him to remember things. You never know what will spark the next memory."

"But--"

"Also, it's faster to accept that we're coming than it is to argue with us. You know Keiko and I can make ourselves disagreeable." And both girls made fists, suddenly looking much more intimidating than Shuichi would have ever believed them capable of.

Yusuke glared fiercely from one to the other. He spoke in a low voice. "If Hiei gets killed because we had to stop and fight off people trying to eat you or any other stupid thing, I will make sure you remember it every day for the rest of your lives." Then he turned on his heel and marched back out the door, calling "Let's go!" over his shoulder.

Keiko looked shaken, but Shizuru just flipped her hair over her shoulders and followed him. After a minute, everyone else followed too. Shuichi moved next to Kuwabara and spoke quietly. "He's... intense."

"He feels guilty," Kuwabara replied, just as quietly. He looked around to see if anyone was listening, then added, "A few days before Kurama disappeared he tried to tell Urameshi something. But then he changed his mind halfway through and told him to forget about it. And then he vanished, and then Hiei did too, and now--well, Urameshi's mad at himself for not making Kurama tell him whatever it was."

"I see," Shuichi said. He wanted to ask more, but they had caught up to the others, so he dwelt on it in silence as they moved through the forest that surrounded Genkai's temple.

Something Kurama had started tell Yusuke, but then changed his mind. What could it have been? Yusuke seemed to think it was related to Kurama's disappearance, so he must have acted like it was something important. Yet Yusuke hadn't pressed the issue at the time--and nobody was worried when they disappeared. Kuwabara had said on the train that it was common for Kurama and Hiei to go adventuring together without letting anyone else in on their plans. No one had even realized they were in danger until Yusuke's friend had visited a few days ago with the warning about Hiei. If Kurama had appeared shaken or distraught when talking to Yusuke, then Yusuke would have been worried when he vanished. But it had been significant enough that Yusuke remembered it now. What on earth could Kurama have been trying to say?

Shuichi halfway hoped to get an answer to his query, to remember something--but nothing came. He knew there was no way he could remember the actual conversation, since it had taken place long after Kurama had ditched Shuichi's body and gone back to being a demon--but wasn't it possible that the secret he had been going to impart was something Shuichi could remember?

Try as he might, nothing came to mind. Not even a flicker of an image or a voice. Shuichi gave up and started wondering instead when they would get to Makai--and how. They were just walking through what seemed to be a never-ending forest--surely you couldn't just walk into Makai? Would there be a border? A customs post? Demon guards? Shuichi felt a thrill of fear at that thought. He knew, rationally, that not all demons were to be feared--knew that Yusuke and Yukina were both demons, knew that it was a demon they were looking for and a demon who used to share his body--but his fear persisted, wrapped up in the few sightings he'd had of demons in human world and all the bedtime stories he'd ever been told. Finally, he asked Kuwabara when they were going to get there.

Kuwabara looked at him blankly. "We've been in Makai for like thirty minutes, Shuichi."

Shuichi's eyes widened. "But--but I didn't notice anything!"

"You didn't feel any difference?" Shuichi shook his head. "That's weird. Ordinary humans sometimes wander over without realizing it, but someone with your high spirit awareness should notice."

Genkai spoke over her shoulder. "Don't forget he's been here before. Or at least, his body has. The energy change might be too familiar for him to notice."

"How long until we get there?" Shuichi asked. His feet were starting to hurt.

"I think it's only a couple of hours before we reach the area Urameshi wants to look in," Kuwabara replied.

Shuichi sighed.

* * *

He nearly despaired when they _did_ reach the right area a few hours later. He had no idea how they were supposed to find a single waterfall in this rolling, sprawling, enormous range of mountains. Especially since the light was fading fast. This didn't seem to bother anyone else, though; Genkai just produced some sort of glowing globes of light and energy in each hand, and they went on. Shizuru told Shuichi as they walked that in situations like this, Kurama used to grow phosphorescent plants for them that they could carry like lanterns. Shuichi was fascinated and asked questions, and soon the whole group was in a jumbled discussion of Kurama's various plant tricks. Most of what they said contradicted each other, though, and Shuichi realized very quickly that they were all just guessing. Nobody had really understood what Kurama did.

His interest in the subject waned as the night wore on. Nobody but him seemed to feel the need to stop and rest, and considering the urgency of the situation Shuichi felt too guilty to ask for a break. His feet were screaming in protest, and his whole body reminded him that he should have been in bed hours and hours ago. He was cold and miserable and beginning to feel a sort of panicky self-doubt, because they had already located two large waterfalls and they had not looked at all familiar. Shuichi was afraid that he really _wouldn't_ recognize the right one if they found it--that the rest of the group might be relying on an ability that wasn't really there, and it would cost Hiei his life. Whenever he could close his eyes for a moment Shuichi screwed them up tight and tried to recall in perfect detail the image that had come to him in the temple, trying to keep it distinct and separate in his mind from what he was seeing now.

When they finally did rest it was because Genkai spoke up. She herself looked like she could keep walking for a week, but the rest of the girls were starting to look like Shuichi felt--though, like him, they didn't say anything. Genkai addressed herself to Yusuke when she asked for a break, confirming Shuichi's opinion that Yusuke was the leader of this group--or at least, used to getting his way within it. He had a very forceful personality--some of which, Shuichi knew, was undoubtedly due to worry and guilt. He had a feeling he would have liked Yusuke better if they'd met under different circumstances.

The break--largely due to Yusuke's pacing--lasted only a few minutes, but from then on they stopped to rest occasionally. They didn't stop anywhere near often enough or long enough for Shuichi, but he knew that every passing second might be one too many. So he set himself to endure it and didn't voice his opinion either way: he sat when they sat, stood when they stood, and shook his head sadly when they found waterfalls that didn't match the one in his mind.

They walked through the night without success; dawn had already come and Genkai had dissolved the globes of light she carried when they passed a small pool in the river they were following and Keiko stopped, kneeling down and cupping her hands to get a drink from it. The rest of the group halted out of mutual accord, a few of them copying Keiko but most of them just sitting for a moment. Shuichi sank down onto a large rock with a sigh, thinking that if they stayed a moment it would be nice to slip his shoes off and soak his aching feet in the cold water. He looked around, trying to ascertain if they were going to stop for more than a minute. Kuwabara was gently rubbing Yukina's feet for her. Keiko, still kneeling by the water, was watching Yusuke pace with a slight frown on her face. Shizuru was handing a cigarette to Genkai. All of them looked almost as dejected as Shuichi felt.

Then, suddenly--something happened. Shuichi had no idea what it was. All he knew was that Genkai dropped her cigarette at the same moment that Yusuke stopped pacing and Kuwabara straightened up with an inarticulate noise of surprise. Then, Yusuke was gone--vanished, disappeared, but Shuichi could mark the path he had gone because he caught a glimpse of Kuwabara following before he, too, disappeared from sight. Genkai stood perfectly still, a look of shock on her face.

"What happened?" Keiko asked urgently, getting up and going over to Genkai's side.

Genkai blinked a few times, seeming to come back to herself. Her expression was almost a smile, but not quite, and there was a slight gleam of satisfaction in her eyes. "They've just felt Hiei's energy," she replied. "He's alive. And healthy, too."

Shuichi let his breath out, a huge exhalation of relief. He was not the only one to do so. "Is he close by?" Yukina asked.

"Close enough," Genkai replied. "Let's go."

Shuichi's whole self protested at the thought of getting to his feet one more time--but he pushed it aside. They had gotten here in time; Hiei was still alive. With a little luck, they would be able to prevent whatever crisis was looming over him. And, with a little more luck, Kurama would be with him--and willing to speak with Shuichi.

And it was that thought that propelled him to his feet and into line as Genkai lead the others on a path that only she could see.


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: Please don't throw things at me..._

CHAPTER SIX

The waterfall was perfect. Shuichi realized, the instant they rounded the corner and saw it, that all his fears had been baseless. He would recognize this place if he had seen a million other waterfalls just like it, one after another. He had been here before. He knew it.

Standing at the base of the waterfall, just far enough to the side to avoid the spray, was Hiei. Shuichi recognized him from the photograph--he even had his hands balled up and shoved in his pockets, just like in the picture. Yusuke and Kuwabara were standing in front of him and, in the manner of people feeling excessive relief, were both talking loudly and without regard for the other's speech. Shuichi would have been surprised if Hiei could understand a word that they were saying. Not that he seemed to be trying; he had a sullen expression on his face, and he wasn't even looking at them, he was looking at the ground and then, when they came into view, surveying the rest of the group--

Shuichi stopped cold. Hiei's eyes had fixed on his. He felt his heart contract in fear. The look in Hiei's eyes--a moment of pure shock, followed by what was unmistakably rage. Rage so strong that Shuichi couldn't take another step forward.

But it didn't matter, because the next thing he knew Hiei was standing in front of him. Shuichi hadn't even seen him move. "What is _he_ doing here?" Hiei demanded.

"We needed his help finding you," Yusuke explained, trailing behind Hiei. "You guys really know how to keep yourselves hidden when you feel like it."

Hiei's anger did not abate--if anything, it grew. Shuichi could literally feel it radiating off of him, along with the kind of powerful energy that he associated with Yusuke. He looked around helplessly, not knowing what to do, but no one offered him any help. They all looked bewildered, too. This was the last reception Shuichi would have expected from someone he was so constantly told was Kurama's closest friend.

"Do you think that's funny?" Hiei divided his glare between Shuichi and Yusuke, but he was addressing Yusuke. "You think it's a joke? You have to be joking."

Beneath the fear, Shuichi felt a small stirring of anger. Yusuke tried to explain again. "Hey, we had do to something, we were worried that--"

"So you brought me this?" Hiei broke in angrily. "Kurama's shell? What the hell am I supposed to do with this? What good is it? What would make you think that I wanted to see it?"

Hiei was still standing directly in front of Shuichi as he said all these things, shaking so much that Shuichi could see it. "You know nothing of what you're doing." Shuichi felt paralyzed. Hiei's anger, his hated and disdain, were so strong. They stung. "This is not Kurama." This was the person they had searched so hard for? The friend? "This is a human child you've brought here." His contempt was overpowering. "I don't want it in my sight."

Shuichi's anger finally broke his paralysis. Without thinking, he raised his hand and slapped Hiei's face.

There was a moment of stunned, petrified silence. Then Hiei slowly turned his face back to Shuichi, looking at him with more amazement than anger. Yusuke materialized at Shuichi's side, suddenly looking very ready to get between them and sending Hiei a glare that said _don't even think about it_. Shuichi felt himself trembling. "How dare you," he said softly. Hiei's gaze sharpened. "How dare you say those things in front of me. I dropped everything and trusted myself to a group of strangers because I was told that _you_, that a _friend_ needed my memories. But how could I have been friends with someone as contemptuous as you? How can you say those things? You don't deserve what I've done to find you."

Hiei stared. And stared, and stared, and stared. He appeared dumbstruck. And as the moment stretched on, and Shuichi didn't back down, even though he was shaking like a leaf now, and Hiei didn't lash back at him... someone giggled.

Shuichi wasn't sure who it was. But the next moment everyone was giggling or snickering--everyone except for Hiei, who still looked dumbstruck, and Shuichi, who felt cold. The laughter escalated as everyone except for the two of them happily shed the tension of the last few days. "Oh, man," Yusuke said, shaking his head, "that was priceless."

"I've never seen anyone take Hiei down like that," Kuwabara agreed, sniggering. "Not even Kurama. And it was a human, too! That was almost better than watching you two fight," he added, gesturing to Yusuke and Keiko.

Keiko looked like she was going to reply with something rather tart, but Shuichi beat her to the punch. "All of you," he said quietly, "are just as bad as he is."

That put a swift end to the laughter. Shuichi glared at their bewildered faces, feeling angry and hurt and--for the first time, and most importantly--like an outsider in the group. "You all think this is funny? Is this all just a fancy trick I can do to you? Remembering things and looking like Kurama? Well, I won't do it anymore. It's obvious Hiei doesn't need my help like you said he did, so just take me home. I may not remember the people there either, but at least they don't look down on me."

"We weren't," Keiko broke in, looking stricken. "We were just laughing because--well--"

"Because Hiei deserved that," Yusuke finished, with a glare in Hiei's direction. "We were laughing at him, not you."

"I want to go home," Shuichi replied stubbornly, his tone cold.

"Look, we weren't--"

"Yusuke," Genkai interrupted. "If the boy wants to go home, then let him."

Yusuke turned angrily on her. "I wasn't laughing at him!"

"That's not the point," she replied sharply. "The point is, it _was_ Shuichi's abilities that got us here. He appears to be correct that Hiei is not in immediate danger, and at this point he has every reason to want to leave Hiei's company. So we owe it to him to escort him safely home, if that's what he wants." She suddenly switched her gaze to Shuichi and softened her tone. "I would reconsider, though, if I were you. There are people here who can teach you what you long to remember, if you will let your anger cool."

_People who can teach you what you long to remember._ They had found Hiei--did that mean they had found Kurama? He looked at Hiei, but couldn't bring himself to ask.

Hiei looked back at him impassively. After a moment in which no one spoke, Hiei turned his back and walked away. The movement was cold, not radiating that overwhelming anger from before, and dismissive. Shuichi watched him go resentfully.

"You can all leave," Hiei called back to them, not even bothering to turn his face to them as he returned to his post by the side of the waterfall.

"No way," Yusuke said immediately. "Something's going on. I don't know what it is yet, but you guys aren't safe here. Where's Kurama, anyway?"

Thankful that someone else had asked, Shuichi fixed his eyes on Hiei, keen for the answer. Hiei stopped walking when Yusuke asked his question, but he didn't turn around for a long, long moment. When he did, his face was stark with shock. "You don't know?"

"If I knew, I wouldn't have asked."

Hiei stared blankly for a moment. It was obvious he was still in considerable shock. Abruptly, he said, "Why did you come here?"

Yusuke looked like he didn't know how to answer. Hiei's eyes narrowed. "Tell me what you're doing here," he demanded. "Tell me how you found this place. And why."

"We found it because--well, that's why we brought Shuichi along, for his memories. And--well, Botan--" Yusuke shrugged, and continued bluntly. "Botan came to see me and warned me that you were going to die unless I found you."

Shuichi had thought Hiei looked shocked before, but it was nothing compared to what he looked like now. He raised his hand and pointed to his chest, silently mouthing the word _me?_ Yusuke nodded uneasily.

Nobody said anything. Hiei looked like he might never get over his surprise enough to ever speak again, and the rest of them were slowly becoming uncomfortable, glancing at each other and fidgeting nervously. After a tense moment Yusuke broke the silence, speaking slowly. "Hiei--where's Kurama?"

Hiei blinked a few times, seeming to have to struggle to focus his attention on Yusuke. "She said me." It wasn't really a question or a statement, but something in between.

Yusuke took a half step forward. He looked for a second like he would grab Hiei, but he didn't. "Where's Kurama?"

Hiei looked at him blankly. It seemed to be taking him time to process everything Yusuke said. "She came for him last night," he replied. "I thought you knew. I thought that's why you came here."

The silence that followed was deafening. Shuichi tried desperately to figure out why--why every person around him had suddenly stopped breathing, horrified expressions on their faces. Someone came for Kurama last night... someone named Botan. And it was a bad thing, apparently. And Botan was also the person who had warned Yusuke that Hiei--

Suddenly, Shuichi remembered Kuwabara talking to him on the train, on the way to Genkai's. He had said that person who had delivered the message to Yusuke--the person named Botan--was the grim reaper.

"No way," Yusuke said, quietly and without any force to it.

Hiei took a few steps away from Yusuke, and then turned to glare at all of them in turn. "It was the splitting that killed him." His eyes, just for the moment it took him to say that, locked with Shuichi's--and then they moved on, but that brief moment left Shuichi feeling so cold and weak that he thought he might sink to the ground. He had never been hated like that before.

"A soul can only go through so many re-shapings and transformations," Hiei continued, addressing the group in general, "before it can no longer stay attached to a body. He knew what was happening, and while he wasn't particularly looking forward to it he said he didn't regret it. He didn't even have any memories of that woman he cherished so much to cling to--the boy has those." His eyes alighted briefly on Shuichi again, and this time he felt as though he'd been burned by them. "All he had were memories of being Youko and those weren't enough to make him want to stay. So he kept up appearances for as long as he could, and then when he couldn't keep going anymore he asked for my company here, so I could burn the den down afterwards. Seeing as he didn't say anything about burning all his friends as well, I'll give you twenty minutes to get off the mountain before it goes up in flames."

"How long have you known about this? And why the hell didn't you say anything?!" Yusuke's voice was close to hysterical.

Hiei gave him a hard look. "It was Kurama's choice whether to discuss it or not. I told you, he accepted his death. None of you would have taken that very well."

Next to Shuichi, Kuwabara was standing stock-still, rooted to the ground in shock. His lips were forming the word _no_, but no sound was coming out. Shuichi could hear one of the girls start to weep softly, and another join in. Yusuke looked much the same as Kuwabara, and Genkai was staring at the ground. Hiei looked around at all of them and snorted softly. "I bet the damned fox planned this," he said in a low voice. "He would have thought it was some great joke, making me be the one to tell all of you and then have to try to convince you it's true and there's nothing you can do and offer you all some sort of damned comfort or forgiveness. I won't do it. I told you, you've got twenty minutes to get off the mountain before it burns."

He started to turn away from them all--he looked like had been getting ready to spring into the air when Yusuke snatched his wrist. Hiei looked livid. "I don't know," Yusuke said, his voice thick, "what happened, I don't know if Botan mixed up her demons or not, but I know she told me _your_ name and the last thing I'm gonna do right now is let you out of my sight."

Hiei wrenched his arm out of Yusuke's grasp. "Then try and catch me," he said contemptuously, and was gone.

Shuichi couldn't see where he'd went. It was like he had vanished. A half-second later Yusuke had vanished as well. Shuichi swallowed. Had they really disappeared on the spot, or did they just move faster than he could see? Where had they gone?

"Do you think Yusuke will be able to catch him?" Yukina asked anxiously, wringing her hands.

Shizuru shrugged irritably. Her hands were shaking so badly she couldn't light her cigarette. "Doubt it. This is probably the very situation that Botan tried to warn us about. Hiei'll probably run right into whatever's going to kill him while he's trying to get away from all the rest of us."

Genkai spoke crisply. "Whether that's true or not, we can't waste our time dwelling on it. There's nothing we can do about it. If Yusuke can't keep up with him then it's a sure bet none of the rest of us can. We need to focus on getting down from here as quickly as we can. Under the circumstances, I wouldn't put it past Hiei to indulge in a little pyromania regardless of whether we're here or not. So let's use those twenty minutes."

"I want to see him." Kuwabara's eyes were wet, but his voice was stubborn. "Kurama. I want to see him. I won't leave him here."

Genkai touched his arm gently. "You'll never find him," she said softly. "Not if you had days to look instead of minutes. This is one of Youko Kurama's dens, and he already left his last instructions. Hiei will burn it down long before you find the entrance." Kuwabara turned away from her angrily, his head bowed. "Help the others get down the mountainside," Genkai urged him. "Help Shuichi."

Kuwabara knuckled his eyes. It looked for a moment he was going to continue fighting; but then, abruptly, he took hold of Shuichi's arm. "C'mon," he muttered. Louder, over his shoulder, he said, "Shizuru, help them."

Shizuru put one arm around Keiko's shoulder and the other around Yukina's; both of them leaned on her. She fell into step behind her brother, and Genkai went last of all, looking warily over her shoulder from time to time. Too stunned and weary to do anything else, Shuichi let Kuwabara pull him forward. He looked back many times, looking at the rest of their group, looking at the waterfall, hoping for Hiei and Yusuke to reappear. But Kuwabara didn't look back once; he kept Shuichi close to his side and stumbled blindly forward, looking neither right nor left, forging a path down the mountainside.


	7. Chapter 7

_(A/N: Okay... well... I guess thanks for not throwing too many things at me? Anyway, this chapter should provide some more explanation of what's happened, and a hint of the shift the story's going through. Enjoy.)_

CHAPTER SEVEN

No one but Yusuke was awake.

He and Hiei had rejoined the group several hours ago--after Hiei had set aflame, not just the den where he and Kurama had spent Kurama's last months, but the entire mountain. Yusuke didn't blame him. But he had been relieved nonetheless to find the others resting deep inside a cave, the entrance rocky and cleared of all vegetation, as safe from any passing wildfires as they could be. Genkai had been quietly sitting watch at the entrance while the others slept their grief and exhaustion away.

Hiei, without speaking to anyone, had gone to the section of ground farthest away from everyone else, curled up under his cloak, and immediately fallen into a deep sleep. Yusuke didn't blame him for that, either. It was obvious Hiei was even more exhausted than he was. And Yusuke was pretty exhausted--first the long journey, then what must have been hours of chasing Hiei all over the mountainside. He had the distinct impression that he had never caught up, but rather that Hiei had finally slowed down and allowed himself to be captured. Hiei's posture and expression told Yusuke how fatigued he was--he had probably been sleeping very little the last few weeks, taking care of Kurama, watching him slip away, trying not to miss anything. He deserved some rest.

Genkai offered to remain on watch, but when it became clear Yusuke wasn't sleeping no matter what she did, she lay down to rest with the others and left him to his brooding. So it was Yusuke who was awake, sitting just outside the cave and watching the remnants of Hiei's fire still burning through the night, spreading to the rest of the mountain range, when he felt a familiar presence appear next to him.

Yusuke tensed up. He did not turn to look. "Get out of here," he said between gritted teeth.

He heard her sigh. "I'm so sorry, Yusuke." Her voice was very small. "I didn't know what else to do."

Yusuke stood up and faced her angrily. Botan's eyes were red from crying, but he didn't care. He had never been so close to hitting a non-fighter in his life. "You could have told me the truth."

"It wouldn't have done any good."

"Why did you lie to me? Why did you tell me it was Hiei and not Kurama?"

"I _didn't_ lie, Yusuke. Hiei and Kurama's death papers were both ready. There wasn't any way to prevent Kurama's death--there never has been, not since he made his decision. Those papers were signed when he and Shuichi split. But there _was_ a chance you could stop Hiei."

Yusuke's gaze narrowed. "Stop him?" he repeated, the resentment suddenly gone from his voice. "Are you saying... that he..."

"Yes. He already tried once. The death papers were ready that time, too, but Mukuro stopped him. I knew that if she could reach him, you could."

Yusuke didn't say anything for a moment. Botan waited nervously. When Yusuke spoke, his voice was quiet. "Those papers--are they still there?"

Botan's shoulders sagged. "I--I don't know. When Koenma found out what I did he banned me from that part of the building. But--but it's past the time that I saw stamped on them. So... I guess it's alright."

"You guess." Yusuke turned his back on her. "Thanks a lot."

"Yusuke, don't be like this," Botan said. "I can't help what happened, no one could have. And I came to tell you something really important."

"Yeah? You gonna tell me straight out this time, or send me on another stupid, ass-backwards--"

"I told you what you needed to know, Yusuke! You would have blamed yourself for Kurama's death--"

"I _do_ blame myself for--"

"And now we can't find him."

"...You what?"

"We can't find him. Not a trace. It's just like--well, it's just like the last time Youko Kurama died. The soul didn't appear where it should have. Last time it was because he was hiding in Shuichi. Koenma thinks he may have fled to human world again, but I think that's ridiculous. Kurama was ready to go."

"Well then where the hell _is_ he?!"

Botan glanced sideways into the cave. "I'm only guessing," she said. "But I'd keep a very close eye on Shuichi, if I were you."

"You think Kurama--"

"I don't think he'd ever do it on purpose. But maybe--" Botan was looking teary, which Yusuke knew was a terrible sign. "It's possible that his soul's been split so many times that he can't be completely in one place anymore. Traces of him are still in Shuichi. He might find his way back there."

Yusuke was quiet for a moment. "And if he doesn't?"

"No one's ever gone down this path before. I--if he doesn't go back to Shuichi, and he doesn't appear in Spirit World, I'm not sure where else there is... for him to go."

Yusuke fisted his hands. "How the hell do we find him?"

Botan was silent for a moment. When she spoke, it was clear she expected more anger from Yusuke, but felt she had to say what she thought anyway. "If this journey we've all just been on has proved anything, it's that none of us can find Kurama when he doesn't want to be found. You had to use his own memories to even get close. If Kurama doesn't turn up in Spirit World or in Shuichi, then we'll just have to wait for him to show himself to us."

"Then you don't think he... he..."

"Spirits don't just vanish without a reason," Botan said, sounding very much like she wasn't sure what she was saying was true but hoped it was. "He has to be somewhere." Then she burst into tears.

Yusuke watched her cry in silence for awhile. Then he walked over to her and put a hand on her shoulder. Botan turned and threw her arms around him, which he really could have done without, but he didn't say anything. She cried for a moment, then pulled back, wiping her eyes and looking worse than she had before. "Thank you, Yusuke."

Yusuke gestured at the cave entrance. "Go get some sleep."

Botan shook her head. "No, I don't want to be here when everyone wakes up. I'm sure they're all just as angry with me. It's one of the worst things about having my job." She sniffed, wiping her eyes again. "Well, I'll let you know if Kurama shows up. You let me know, too, if you think you see him in Shuichi, won't you? Oh, and keep an eye on Hiei, too. I don't want to see him anytime soon." She almost started crying again, but seemed too worn out to let more than a few tears fall.

"He was really going to..." Yusuke trailed off again, unable to actually articulate the words.

"Yes. Maybe you ought to tell him about Shuichi. Maybe it'll make him feel like he hasn't completely lost Kurama, or at least give him something to pay attention to."

"I don't know. You should have seen him and Shuichi go at each other earlier--I think they hate each other."

"Well, come up with something else, then." Botan had materialized her oar and was hovering on it. "Just--just keep an eye on him."

Yusuke studied her. "You sure you're fit to fly, lady? Drowsy driving is a crime."

She shook her head, sniffing again. "I'm fine. But thanks for trying to cheer me up." She glanced out at the flickers of flame in the distance and sighed. "I'd better fly high to avoid all this smoke. Hiei certainly made his point. Kurama deserves it, too. I almost hope the whole mountain range burns."

She took off then before Yusuke could reply. He watched her out of sight--which didn't take long, with all the smoke in the air obscuring his vision. Then he gave a deep sigh of his own and turned back to the cave, thoughtful. He trained his eyes on the unmistakable head of red hair and watched its owner sleeping, watched the rise and fall of his chest. Wondering how much he remembered. Wondering how much he was about to.


	8. Chapter 8

_A/N: Finally! Well, we're about to make a major switch from action to introspection here, I hope you're all ready for it. Enjoy!_

CHAPTER EIGHT

When Shuichi woke up it was still pitch black outside. He lay still for a long time. He didn't really see a point to moving.

Kurama was dead. Shuichi would never be able to ask him anything, learn anything from him, understand why Kurama had landed them both in the predicament he had. The only person left who might have the ability to explain even the smallest part of it was Hiei, and Hiei hated Shuichi. Even if he hadn't, Shuichi didn't like him. So much for their famed friendship.

It was a dead-end every way Shuichi looked, and knowing what he had come so close to learning was almost worst than the absolute blankness that had existed in his memory before Kuwabara spoke to him in the street.

Shuichi heard the low murmur of voices somewhere nearby. He turned his head slightly to see who else was awake. Just outside the entrance he could see the outlines of Yusuke and Hiei, conversing quietly. Yusuke was gesturing a lot with his hands and both of them kept glancing back into the cave--in his direction, Shuichi thought, but that could have been his imagination. Hiei seemed much more subdued than he had been yesterday--he also seemed to be actually listening to what Yusuke said, and speaking back to him civilly. _Will wonders never cease._

Shuichi caught both his name and Kurama's, but could discern no other words in the quiet hum of conversation. Probably Yusuke was explaining to Hiei how they had jump-stared Shuichi's memories enough to locate him and Kurama. Shuichi rolled over and went back to sleep.

The second time he woke up, everyone else was already awake and moving around the cave. Breakfast had been provided, and after a moment's consideration Shuichi decided he didn't really want to know how, but just helped himself. Nobody spoke much.

When everyone had finished eating they set out for the border. The air was grey and disgusting with smoke and the ground was scorched; it was clear Hiei's threat to burn the mountain down over them had not been an exaggeration. Shuichi was a little surprised to find Hiei still traveling with them; he had somewhat assumed that, after delivering the bad news and carrying out Kurama's last request, Hiei would leave them and go about his business here in Makai. After all, this was where Hiei lived; with Kurama gone, what temptation could the human world hold for him?

After observing him for awhile, Shuichi decided that maybe all Hiei meant to do was spend some time amongst friends. After all, he was grieving just like the rest of them. Shuichi was probably being uncharitable towards him. Yes, Hiei had treated him awfully yesterday, but he must not always be like that or they all wouldn't have cared about him enough to hunt for him like this. And it must have been an extreme shock for him, having just witnessed Kurama's death, to see the body Kurama had once inhabited come traipsing up to him.

The more Shuichi thought about it, the worse he felt about his anger towards Hiei, and everyone. His presence was probably making the grief worse for him. After all, in a sense...

...he was the reason Kurama had died.

Wasn't that what Hiei had said? That the splitting had been the eventual cause of Kurama's death? And here Shuichi was, not at all having the normal life that Kurama had dreamed of him having, lonely and confused and depressed and Kurama had died so that he could be this way. What the hell had he been thinking?

He wanted to ask someone; he wanted to vent his wrath and frustration that Kurama, whom everyone had claimed was so smart, could do such a stupid thing. But there was nothing that could be done about it now; and even if there had been, now was not the time to bring it up.

So the group walked on in subdued silence for the first part of the day. Towards midday, however, the girls began to reminisce--softly sharing their recollections of Kurama with each other, laughing a bit and crying a bit and sighing regretfully. After awhile Kuwabara joined in, but Yusuke remained tight-lipped and grim faced. Hiei, of course, said nothing and acted like he couldn't hear them.

Shuichi listened silently. At first he was hopeful that their words might spark more memories in his mind--after all, he no longer had the hope of learning anything straight from Kurama. But he quickly realized he was too tired to dredge anything out of his subconscious, even with their words for guidance. Sadly, he began to drop to the back of the group, giving them as much space as an outsider to their grief as he could.

As he gradually let himself fall behind, Shuichi realized that Hiei was doing the same thing--which was odd, since he had been walking slightly ahead of the rest of them for most of the day. Nervously keeping an eye on Hiei, it came as a surprise to him when he glanced to his other side and found that Kuwabara, as well, was dropping back. Before too long, the three of them were isolated from the rest of the group. Hiei was walking on his right, radiating muted anger, and Kuwabara was marching on his left, looking grim and determined; neither of them looked at each other. The angry tension between them built and built until Shuichi, petrified, felt like a very small mouse with two very large cats about to fight over the privilege of eating him. The silence grew so brittle and heated that when Kuwabara finally broke it, Shuichi jumped. "Leave him alone," Kuwabara said in a very low, warning tone.

Hiei gave him a contemptuous glance. "Get," he replied sharply, like he might have said to a stray dog.

Kuwabara's face colored. He spoke in the same tone as before, restrained but angry. "Whatever you've got to say to him, you can say in front of me."

"I can't say _anything_ in front of you. Of course, there's the possibility that your brain might not be big enough to deconstruct the syllables, but it's not a chance I'm willing to take."

Shuichi's jaw dropped at the casual rudeness, but Kuwabara plowed on as though unaffected. "I mean it, Hiei. I'm not going to let you bully him. You out of all people ought to respect Kurama's wishes and leave the kid alone."

"Just the way all of you did."

Kuwabara's face grew even redder. "That was an emergency." Hiei grunted dismissively. "Look, maybe we shouldn't have done it, but that doesn't mean you can go around treating him like you did yesterday. Have some respect."

"How do you know Kurama didn't change his mind those last few months? How do you know I don't have a message to deliver and you're getting in my way? As usual?"

Shuichi felt his heart catch briefly in his throat. Kuwabara stared at Hiei long and hard; yet when he spoke, it was directed for the first time towards Shuichi. "If he says anything that bothers you," he said, "or scares you, or makes you mad or anything, you yell for me. You got that?"

Shuichi nodded. Shooting another dark glance at Hiei, Kuwabara moved forward to join the rest of the group.

Shuichi felt a small thrill of fear watching him go. He definitely felt safer with Kuwabara than anyone else--he wasn't sure if that was because Kuwabara was the first person he'd encountered from this world, or just due to the carrot-top's personality. He also the least safe with Hiei, but he did his best to smother that feeling. The rest of the group was definitely aware that something was going on, glancing back at them frequently--they didn't intervene, but Shuichi had no doubt that if he spoke up, Kuwabara would not be the only one to get in between them.

So it was that, after walking side by side in silence for a few minutes, Shuichi plucked up the courage to speak first. "_Did_ Kurama tell you to say something to me?"

"No."

Shuichi was disappointed, but not particularly surprised. He'd had the feeling Hiei was misdirecting Kuwabara. "Then what was it you wanted to say?"

"How much do you remember?"

"Not much," Shuichi said regretfully. "It's all jumbled up. By the way, why don't you use stairs?"

Hiei looked at him with a expression of bewilderment. "At my home," Shuichi clarified, flushing slightly. "I can remember you going in and out through the window in my bedroom. Only I can't imagine why you would do that."

Hiei gave him an appraising look before answering. "I disliked encountering Kurama's human family. Also, humans make a habit of locking the front door overnight. I could have gotten through it, but then Kurama would have had to explain why the door kept unlocking itself. The window was more convenient for both of us."

"Oh." That all made sense. Shuichi wasn't sure what to say next. "I--I'm sorry about Kurama."

It was the wrong thing to say, and he knew it as the words were leaving his mouth, but not in time to keep them from being said. Hiei stiffened up and looked away. He looked angry, but he didn't radiate that overwhelming aura of hatred that had frightened Shuichi so much yesterday. "I'll bet," Hiei muttered.

Feeling he might as well keep going in the direction he'd started, Shuichi said, "I'm, ah, also sorry for my behavior yesterday. I should have realized you weren't yourself." He felt a prickle of resentment as he said it--Hiei should be apologizing to _him_--but Shuichi, too, had been out of line.

"That _was_ myself," Hiei replied. "If any of these idiots have lead you to believe I'm any different, they lied to get you up here. I'm not always that nice."

"But you're much nicer today," Shuichi pointed out.

Hiei glowered, but he didn't have an answer right away. _So_, Shuichi thought_, he likes people to think he's meaner than he really is_. "What are you going to do now?" Hiei finally asked.

"Try to keep remembering," Shuichi replied. "I hope I can fill in some of the holes in my life. I was hoping Kurama..." Shuichi sighed. "I don't know how much I'll be able to remember. But it will be worth it."

Hiei was silent for a moment before replying. "If you remember any of Kurama's secrets, keep them to yourself. You could do a hell of a lot of damage to a hell of a lot of people by blurting them out."

"How will I know if something's a secret or not?" Shuichi wondered, remembering Yusuke's last-minute intervention to keep him from saying something about Yukina he shouldn't have.

"You'll know."

"But what if I don't?"

"Ask me. If I learn something I didn't already know, I'll at least have the sense to keep it to myself."

Shuichi looked at him in surprise. "You mean you'll be around to ask?"

Hiei stared moodily at the ground. "I'll check in."

Shuichi was too startled by this to say anything in reply. Hiei kicked a rock out of his way and shot a venomous glare in the general direction of the group ahead of them, whose collective necks kept craning around in curiosity. "Also, if you find any unidentified seeds in your room, don't touch them no matter how benign they seem. They could kill you."

Shuichi pondered this is silence for a moment. He found the advice fascinating--not in and of itself, because given what he'd learned about Kurama's relationship to plants it was very sound advice indeed. What was fascinating was the fact that Hiei had chosen to offer this warning almost a year after Kurama had vacated Shuichi's life. Surely if there were any destructive plants left lying around his house, he would have encountered them by now; and surely Kurama wouldn't have been so careless. So why would Hiei mention it? Was it just his way of making conversation?

"I'll keep that in mind," Shuichi finally replied. Hiei nodded. He didn't say anything else, but he didn't move away either. "Hiei?"

Hiei looked at him inquiringly. Shuichi felt his face flush. He was sure Hiei was not going to have a good reaction to what he said next, but he had to say it. "They... um... they told me your life was in danger. I guess they really meant Kurama, but--you are aware of that? I mean, you won't get into any dangerous...situations? For awhile?" He felt his voice leaving him under the weight of Hiei's incredulous stare. "Ah... that is... you'll be careful?"

For a moment he was afraid Hiei was going to start yelling again. Then he was afraid Hiei was going to laugh. But Hiei managed to answer him in an even tone. "I'm aware of the situation. It has passed. Don't concern yourself with it."

Shuichi decided to accept what Hiei said at face value. "Okay."

Hiei was looking at him with an unreadable expression. "Other than that bit with the stairs," he said, "do you have any memories of me?"

Shuichi sensed immediately, from the nuance of Hiei's tone, that this was the question he had wanted to ask from the start, the reason he had dropped back to walk next to Shuichi and shooed Kuwabara off. Shuichi felt a twinge of compassion. "A few," he said. "Not much. Something about a mirror." Hiei scowled. "And something about you saying it was hot." Hiei flushed. Shuichi immediately decided that was one memory he had better not pursue. "And you were there at that horrible tournament. That's all, really."

Hiei didn't say anything. He didn't look at Shuichi, either. After a few moments, they seemed to reach a silent mutual accord and both sped up their footsteps, rejoining the main group. More curious glances were exchanged, but nobody quite had the audacity to ask, and gradually the flow of conversation picked back up around them and the group moved on together.


	9. Chapter 9

_A/N: Sorry it's so short. More coming soon. _

CHAPTER NINE

They didn't reach the temple until late that evening, when the sun was already setting. Shuichi didn't notice the transition back into human world any more than he had noticed when they crossed into demon world. Between the emotional drain, the long walk, and the lack of sleep, he was more exhausted than he'd known it was possible to be. But despite that, when he saw the temple looming ahead of them he realized suddenly that his family would be worried sick about him. He had been gone for several days now, after all.

After fretting about this silently for a few minutes he decided to share his worry with the group--and was astounded to have Yusuke and Kuwabara come to the rescue, providing a wealth of excuses that they swore up and down had always worked on Shiori before. Then they got into a conversation comparing the situation to ones Kurama had been part of in the past, to decide which alibi was best suited to it. Doubtful, Shuichi nonetheless repeated into the telephone Genkai provided a dubious story involving spur of the moment vacations and disconnected cell phones. To his surprise, his mother accepted the story without question, only asking when he'd be home again. He told her he would be back tomorrow.

They all slept in the temple that night, too tired to find their way back to their homes, and perhaps wanting one more night together in the face of tragedy before trying to go on with their lives. Hiei surprised Shuichi again by staying with them--and unnerved him by sleeping amongst the ceiling rafters, but Yukina saw his expression and whispered to him that Hiei was quite safe from falling, so Shuichi shrugged and dismissed it.

Shuichi was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, and fell immediately into a long, confusing dream. It began in his room; Hiei was sitting in his windowsill and calmly discussing the perils of using the stairs, which were covered in carnivorous seed pods that would burst open and eat your legs if you stepped on them. It was safer, Hiei explained, to use the window, because the plants on the windowsill would only try to tickle you. But then the dream shifted, became more real, and Shuichi found himself crouched behind a wall with an assortment of people who looked odd but felt familiar. They were listening to two other people argue on the other side of the wall. With the logic of dreams, they were communicating with each other by writing notes on pieces of paper and holding them up for each other to see. Shuichi had a vague feeling he might be about to murder Yusuke--it felt distasteful, but he was thinking about it anyway. Then the dream shifted again and he was running--not with Yusuke, but with the person Yusuke had been arguing with. The one with black hair and blind eyes, only right now, as they ran together, he wasn't blind and Shuichi wasn't himself. He could feel the wind whipping through his tail as he ran, feel his ears flat against his skull. He and his friend were laughing; they seemed to have stolen all the carnivorous plants off the stairs of Shuichi's home. But then the friend stopped to shout something at people who were pursuing them, something taunting, and Shuichi felt a surge of anger. He turned on his friend and started to fight him, and it was terrible and Shuichi knew that something momentous was about to happen, something that he would regret for a long time, but he couldn't stop it from happening.

He woke to find it was still dark, and everyone else was sleeping peacefully. He looked around, found Shizuru to be nearest to him, and crawled over and poked her until she woke up. "Who's the blind man?"

"Hh-hu--w'the hell?" she muttered indistinctly.

"The blind man," Shuichi repeated in a whisper. "The one who keeps showing up in Kur--in my dreams."

Shizuru looked at him blankly. Shuichi sighed and gave a more detailed description, keeping going until he saw comprehension finally dawn in Shizuru's eyes. "That sounds like Yomi," she said. "But I don't know anything about him and Kurama. Ask Hiei--or Yusuke," she amended, clearly remembering the tenor of the one public conversation Hiei and Shuichi had had. "But do it in the morning. Listen, kid," she said with a yawn, "I know you've got a lot going on in your head right now, but I also know the kind of dreams you're having. They won't go away if you figure them out. So get some rest."

She had gone back to sleep almost before her last sentence was complete. Shuichi, dissatisfied with her explanation but unable to do anything about it, crawled back to his own makeshift bed and eventually fell back asleep as well. He dreamed of the red pendant he had seen briefly before, dreamed of it swinging slowly back and forth, and woke with unexplained tears on his face. He wiped them away before anyone else could see.

Hiei had disappeared overnight. Ironically, the only one who didn't take this in stride was Shuichi. Having expected Hiei to leave a long time before this, having accustomed himself gradually to the idea that Hiei was still there, he found himself disappointed that Hiei had left without saying anything about being in contact. How was Shuichi supposed to check with him about Kurama's memories, about what was safe to disclose and what wasn't? Did Hiei just expect him to keep everything he remembered to himself in case it happened to be a secret?

Not that he could blame Hiei if he didn't want to be around him. Shuichi was a living, breathing, walking reminder that Hiei would never see Kurama again.

They said their goodbyes to Genkai and Yukina at the temple, and the rest of them trooped down to the train station at the base of the mountain. No one spoke much on the long ride back to the city. Shuichi asked them all about the blind man from his dream, and Yusuke offered up a little information but proved evasive, claiming that he hadn't known enough about the relationship between Yomi and Kurama to give Shuichi a good picture of it. Shuichi subsided after that, sensing they were all trying very hard not to talk about Kurama's death and that it would be impossible for them if he persisted in discussing Kurama's memories. There was a very subdued, defeated atmosphere in their train car as they rumbled through the mountains. Their clothes still smelled of the smoke from Kurama's funeral pyre.

By the time they got back to the city, Shuichi had bee given everyone's phone numbers without asking for them, and many indistinct promises of aid sorting through his memories whenever he was ready had been made. Shuichi was ready right now, but he didn't say as much because he knew none of them were ready for it. They needed time to let go of Kurama and realize he _wasn't_ Kurama before they could be any help to him. He wanted to give them that time. They were good people, all of them. Even Yusuke, whom Shuichi had initially been wary of, with his fierceness and impatience--he offered more than once to walk Shuichi home, and promised after Shuichi had said no to come by and check up on him in a few days. Then they said awkward goodbyes and the Kuwabaras set off in one direction, Yusuke and Keiko in another, and Shuichi in a third, alone for the first time since Kuwabara had first called to him on the street.

Or so he thought. Shuichi was unaware, as he slowly made his way home, of the black shadow that was following him swiftly and silently, staying hidden from sight and watching his every move.


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

_Two days later_

Shuichi woke with tears on his face.

He was shaking. He grabbed the covers and pulled them up higher over himself, turning on his side so he could curl into the fetal position. It didn't help. He bit his lip, giving into the shaking but working very hard not to make any noise. What he would have liked to do was get out of bed, try to leave the dream behind in exchange for a drink and the reassuringly normal hum of the kitchen appliances. But he didn't dare. His mother had seemed very concerned these past few days that Shuichi's nightmares were "back." Shuichi hadn't been aware he used to have them. And the last thing he wanted to do was talk to her about them--so he stayed where he was, trying to hug himself into calmness and taking slow, measured breaths.

The tremors had mostly stopped and he was idly wondering if he dared try to go back to sleep when a low voice spoke. "What were you dreaming about?"

Shuichi sat up so fast he hit his head on the headboard. "Ow!" he exclaimed softly, putting one hand to his head and peering through the darkness. Hiei was sitting in the windowsill.

It took Shuichi a moment to accept this. He wondered at first if he was still dreaming, or possibly hallucinating, because most of his dreams concluded with Hiei sitting in the windowsill. It would be very easy for him to transport that image from sleep to waking. "Hiei?" he asked uncertainly.

He was even sitting exactly as he did in the dreams; back against the windowsill, one leg propped up and one leg casually dangling, one elbow on his knee. Always the same. "I said I'd come by."

"You didn't mention it would be in the middle of the night."

"It's nearly dawn."

Shuichi thought about arguing his point, but decided against it. Instead, he belatedly answered Hiei's question. "I was dreaming about... a lot of things," he faltered.

"It seemed unpleasant."

That was an understatement. "I'm not sure I want to remember everything I did when Kurama was with me anymore," Shuichi said fervently.

"Why?"

"Because he killed people!" Shuichi burst out before he could control himself. "Because he, he--it's gruesome. The dreams I have. Because he killed people and betrayed people and there was so much blood and it's like this long horror movie that I can't escape from and--"

Shuichi stopped himself by sheer force, realizing he was babbling, and took several more deep, measured breaths. It was hard to tell in the dark, but he thought Hiei was looking at him much more sharply than before. "If you're in so much distress, why haven't you asked Genkai to stop it? Or one of the others to justify it? They're very practiced at rationalizing Kurama's actions."

Shuichi looked at him resentfully. "It's _mine_. I don't want it taken away. And I don't think the others want me around right now. Or at least, I wouldn't if I were them. They can't look at me without seeing Kurama, and that's the last thing they all need right now. I'll wait until someone comes to see me."

"And nobody has."

Shuichi heard the edge in Hiei's voice and bristled slightly. "Don't go telling them to behind my back, either. That's not what I want."

"_I'm_ someone, you idiot. Tell me what you dreamed."

Shuichi was taken aback. It was true, he _hadn't_ really placed Hiei in the same category as everyone else: they were all "friends I used to have," and Hiei, despite his relationship with Kurama, was "approach with caution." Nevertheless, Hiei had kept his word by coming by, even if his timing left something to be desired.

He could probably explain more than anybody else. His explanations would be harsher, less carefully worded, more likely to disturb, but they would also be truthful. Besides, he was _here_.

Shuichi spoke slowly. "I was dreaming," he began, "that I was carrying this long vine in my hand that just absolutely _destroyed _people--it was almost like a whip but instead of just stinging someone it would cut them into pieces and they would die in this awful gory way. And then someone got away from me and I was chasing him, but then he turned around and I saw it was that horrible man in the mask again and he grabbed my hair and started dragging me off with him, but when I grabbed his arm he exploded. Like there was dynamite inside him or something, and I was all covered in bits of phlegm and blood and so I came back to my room to wash it off but you were sitting in the window just like you are now, and you kept telling me that the blood was never going to come off, but I'd get used to it in time. Then the vine thing started to wrap around my throat and I woke up." He looked at Hiei uneasily through the darkness. "Is any of that... true?"

"In a sense." Hiei seemed to think for a moment. "You're dreaming about Kurama's weapon, a whip made from a rose. It could cut through anything if he chose, so that part was accurate. And the man in the mask is Karasu, and he did use explosives as weapons, and you--Kurama, that is--did kill him. But using your own weapons, of course."

"That's from that horrible tournament."

"Yes."

Shuichi shuddered. "I hate my memories of that more than anything."

"I expect."

Shuichi sat up further on the bed, crossing his legs under him. He was reminded of something. "Hiei--who's the blind man?"

"Yomi?"

"Yes. Nobody will tell me very much about him. They keep saying his relationship with Kurama was complicated and they didn't know anything about it. I thought maybe you might?"

"I don't think Kurama himself fully understood his relationship with Yomi. If you want, I'll tell you what I guess and conjecture about it. However, I'll warn you before you decide if you want to hear it that Yomi is one of the most powerful demons in the world. If my guesses are wrong and you act on them, it would be a disaster. One possibly involving your death."

Hiei allowed Shuichi to ponder that in silence for a moment. "...Maybe it's better just not to know," Shuichi finally concluded.

Hiei nodded. Then his face seemed to darken slightly. "Yomi's been known to manipulate or threaten Kurama," he said. "If he contacts you, do not agree to anything he says, no matter what it is. Just come and find me."

Shuichi was bemused. "You mean to protect me, then?"

"In that particular instance."

"I thought I was a useless human. Just a shell Kurama left behind him?"

Hiei looked at him resentfully. "You have Kurama's memories. You can't be completely useless."

Shuichi wasn't sure whether to be offended or complimented. He settled on saying carefully, neutrally, "I am not Kurama."

"And I am the last person in the world that you need to explain that to."

"But--that's why you're here. Not because you want to help me, or out of a sense of duty or anything. Because you miss Kurama."

"So?"

Shuichi was startled. He had expected a denial. "My motives don't have to be the same as yours," Hiei continued. "I know who you are, and who you aren't. I also know you're the only piece of him that's left." Hiei's face took on a strange cast as he said that. "That means that one day, in the future, you might prove worth knowing."

"...I'm flattered." Shuichi's tone said he was anything but.

"Then look at it this way. Kurama never would have envisioned this situation--he never would have believed that everyone would deny his wishes so utterly as to help you remember. But if he _had_ envisioned it, I'm certain he wouldn't have wanted you crying alone in your room in the middle of the night. So pretend that I'm carrying out a dead friend's wishes."

"But you're not. You're doing it for your own reasons."

"I said pretend, didn't I?"

Shuichi thought about it. He found, on consideration, that he appreciated Hiei's bluntness about the whole situation. It was better to openly acknowledge that they were both pretending than have to dance around the topic of Kurama's death, like he did with everyone else. Besides--Shuichi was starting to feel like it might be not only lonesome, but dangerous, to be completely cut off from this other world he'd suddenly learned existed, and Hiei was the only one who'd contacted him since the crisis had passed. "Is there--anyone else that might contact me, now that Kurama's dead?" Shuichi asked him. "That I shouldn't speak to?"

Hiei frowned, seeming to think for a moment. "Most of Kurama's enemies are dead," he said. "But I wouldn't agree to anything a stranger said without asking me first. Or Yusuke if you can't find me, but try to remember that Yusuke is a ridiculously simple-minded and overly trusting fool."

"You really think people might--approach me?"

"It's doubtful, but possible. Those idiots should have thought of this before they jogged your memory."

Shuichi was inclined to agree. "Why didn't they?"

"I wasn't there, remember? Though I'd guess they were just in too much of a hurry. Thinking things out has never been a strong point for Yusuke or Kuwabara. One of the reasons they needed Kurama."

"But there was plenty of time to warn me about it on the way home," Shuichi said. "And it's been two days since then. They could have..."

He trailed off. Hiei was looking at him shrewdly. "They won't," he said.

"Won't what?"

"Tell you anything they don't have to. Oh, they'll come back and look for you eventually, try to make you feel normal. But now that they're not rushing off to save people, now that that hero mindset has left them, you can bet their consciences will catch up to them. They all swore to Kurama never to breathe a word of any of this to you, and now that Kurama's dead it will make them think the promise somehow matters more. So they'll try to compromise between what they told you to get you to help them, and what they told Kurama. I don't think you'll ever get another straight answer out of any of them. Try it and see."

Shuichi frowned, disturbed by this prediction. "And your conscience doesn't bother you?"

Hiei smiled tightly. "I never promised."

Shuichi raised his eyebrows. Hiei elaborated. "Kurama never asked me to promise. I don't think it ever occurred to him that I would actually seek you out. We both knew exactly what I thought about his human side. I thought that as a demon..."

Hiei trailed off, and Shuichi had to prompt him to go on. "What was Kurama like as a demon? I mean, after he split with me?"

Hiei looked at him appraisingly before answering. "Not well," he replied. "He wasn't Youko Kurama, that much was certain. I think I might have enjoyed partnering Youko Kurama. But it wasn't like that. Not even at first, before we knew he was dying. Oh, he was happy enough, he wanted to explore, reacquaint himself with Makai. But we realized quickly that he couldn't keep up with me, and that bothered both of us. Then we figured out what was happening. At first he kept going like nothing was wrong--I suppose we both hoped that if we ignored it it would go awa. Then, suddenly one day he comes to me with all these plans for how he wants his death to go. I talked him out of telling anyone else--he almost slipped up and told Yusuke, but thankfully he changed his mind in time. The last thing he needed was all of those idiots hovering around trying to change things. But then again, maybe I was wrong. Maybe if we had told them what was happening, they wouldn't have dragged you into it."

Shuichi, saddened by Hiei's account and the dull tone in which he gave it, nonetheless looked at Hiei resentfully. "I'm glad they dragged me into it," he said firmly.

"You prefer nightmares to nothingness?"

"I do." Acting with more confidence than he felt, Shuichi added, "And the nightmares will go away. As soon as I figure out what everything is and what it means I won't have to dream about it."

"And the figuring out? I won't sugarcoat anything for you, Shuichi. Kurama was not always a nice person. The blood and guts that bothered you in this dream are the least of it. It's your decision if you want to cope with knowing, but remember before you ask me anything that if you _do_ ask, I will answer." The way that he said it was a threat."

"And what choice do I have?" Shuichi replied angrily. "I'm not going to just shove it all away and pretend it doesn't exist, or ask Genkai to make me forget again. I want to know what I've done. Now you tell me that you're the only person who never promised Kurama to keep things secret from me. What choice to I have?"

"There's always a choice."

_What an infuriating, argumentative person_. "Then I choose to know," Shuichi replied, folding his arms stubbornly.

Hiei shrugged. "As you will." His tone implied, _it's your funeral._

"You don't think I ought to?"

"No, I think you ought to. But I don't think you're going to like me in a few days."

Shuichi just barely restrained himself from saying _and what makes you think I like you now?_ He didn't have to sink to Hiei's level of rudeness. Instead, he asked, "And that bothers you?"

"No."

Shuichi studied him for a minute. Then he sighed and shook his head. "This isn't going to work."

"What?"

"You just said that you were going to be frank with me. I ask, you answer, right? But you just lied to me. It _does_ bother you, I can tell. So how can I trust that any of your other answers are going to be truthful?"

It took Hiei a moment to answer. Shuichi could almost see him trying to decide on a course of action. "Kurama would have said something at this point about how since he could tell when I was lying, my lies were a reliable indicator of truth and it didn't matter."

Shuichi balled the sheets up in his fists. "_I am NOT--"_

"Kurama. Be quiet, you'll wake up the humans. Yes, it bothers me that you're going to dislike the answers I'm going to be giving you, because Kurama also disliked some of the memories we're going to have to get into, and he shouldn't have. They shouldn't have bothered him but they did, and now I'm going to have to be the catalyst for your guilt and revulsion over them and it will be like I'm having the same arguments with him over again. It doesn't please me and I think he would find it incredibly funny, and that pleases me even less. And, incidentally, you'll trust me because you don't have any other option."

"...Did you two always get along this way?"

"...More or less, yes."


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

_one week later_

"Why don't you just tell her?"

Hiei banged his head lightly against the wall. "I cannot believe," he muttered, "that I am having this same argument over again with a second person."

"Well, it must be a good argument, then," Shuichi said, unconcerned with Hiei's display of frustration--he was more focused on unwrapping the candy he had brought up to his room. "Seriously. If Yusuke hadn't stopped me that would have been the first thing I blurted out after Genkai used her spirit wave."

"_That_ was the first thing you remembered?"

"Yes." Shuichi threw Hiei a mildly challenging look. "So--why not tell her?"

"I am under no obligation to explain myself to you."

"You are if you want me to keep your secrets for you. I won't do it just because Kurama did. I rely on my own judgment."

Hiei banged his head against the wall again. Shuichi turned his head to hide a slight smile. "I know I've mentioned this a time or two," Hiei said dryly, "but you sound exactly like him."

Shuichi nodded. "Yeah, I get the drift--according to you, I picked up all of Kurama's least likeable traits and none of the good ones. Have you ever considered that maybe you're just _easy to manipulate?_"

Hiei gave him a murderous look. Shuichi made a bit of a show out of eating his candy, radiating unconcern. One thing he had become certain of over the past week was that he had nothing to fear from Hiei--an iron willpower and laudable sense of honor prevented him from attacking anyone weaker than himself, and the barrage of cross words was something Shuichi could handle. "No, I have not," Hiei finally replied, his tone a growl.

Shuichi thought about heckling him further, but something held him back--the suspicion that Hiei was really _not_ easy to provoke, that it was a skill of Kurama's that clung to Shuichi. He threw the empty candy wrapper at Hiei. "Tell me."

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

"You're _human_."

"And that automatically means I'm incompetent? Isn't that how you lost when you fought Yusuke?"

"... I _hate_ you."

"Tell meeeee......"

Hiei's murderous look was starting to look a little more genuine. Nevertheless, he launched into an explanation after Shuichi took an oath--one of many he'd sworn to over the past several days--not to repeat a word of what he heard.

Hiei--to Shuichi's surprise--was turning into a friend. An actual friend, not a friend of someone Shuichi used to be. The brusqueness of Hiei's mannerisms was bothering Shuichi less and less as he got used to it, and his blunt honesty was something Shuichi was coming to appreciate more and more. Particularly as Hiei's prediction that the others weren't going to be of much help seemed to be proving true. Yusuke had come by like he'd promised, and Kuwabara also, but they were both deeply sunk into grief and depression and it was obvious they had only come out of a sense of duty. They gave Shuichi bland and evasive answers to his questions and seemed more interested in talking about their regular lives, learning what he'd been doing since Kurama left his body.

Shuichi forgave them. But he also sent them away as soon as was polite, and waited for Hiei to come back.

Hiei's visits were timed haphazardly, and still often in the middle of the night--Shuichi couldn't seem to break him of the habit, or get him to agree on a time to meet. He just showed up and left as he pleased. Sometimes Shuichi caught a calculating look in Hiei's eyes, directed at him, which he tried to ignore because he didn't understand it. He wasn't sure yet what Hiei was getting out of their relationship--he knew, without having to ask, how much it hurt Hiei to imagine Kurama in Shuichi's body, his movements, his mannerisms--how many times he would see Shuichi out of the corner of his eye and startle, stiffen slightly, think for half a moment that it was Kurama.

But he kept coming back. And if Shuichi wasn't quite sure yet why he put himself through that--well, it wasn't his business. Hiei was honest, he was willing to talk, and he didn't treat Shuichi like Kurama. That should be enough for Shuichi.

However--Hiei was not above using Kurama's actions in an argument against Shuichi. As he was doing now, finishing up his explanation of Yukina with a pointed comment that if Kurama could hide his identity from his mother, he shouldn't be on Hiei's back about Yukina.

"That's different," Shuichi objected immediately.

"How?"

"Well--she's human. She could never--I would never in a million years involve her in any of this. She couldn't understand."

He was surprised when Hiei (rather dramatically, in Shuichi's opinion) banged his head against the wall again. "Another argument I can't believe I'm having twice."

"What? You _want_ her exposed to all this?"

"I've always thought Kurama didn't give her enough credit. But it's not my concern what you decide to do. Just one piece of advice: don't try to hide. Disguise."

"What do you mean?"

"It's impossible to completely hide secrets this complex from someone you share a roof with. For example, Kurama couldn't hide from his mother that he was gone for long periods of time. He could lie to her about where he was, however. He couldn't hide that he kept a lot of plants in his room; he could say they were projects for school. If you pick and choose your lies well enough she'll never worry. Which was, I believe, Kurama's goal--yours as well?"

Disapproval was thick in Hiei's tone, but Shuichi replied stubbornly. "I don't want her exposed to this. Or at least, as little as possible. I'll hide as much as I can."

"Better have a backup plan."

"No. I just won't let her see it. Everything I've learned about Kurama's past is brutal. There's no way to disguise things like that."

Shuichi realized he was in deep trouble the moment Hiei smiled. "No?"

"Hiei--"

It was too late. Hiei was already out the door and halfway down the stairs before Shuichi had finished saying his name. Shuichi leapt after him, heart pounding--but by the time he made it to the top of the stairs, he heard his mother's voice, astonished, from the kitchen. "Hiei!"

She didn't sound terrified. Shuichi took the stairs three at a time and arrived in the kitchen panting to find Hiei standing in front of the open refrigerator and staring at the contents for all the world like a bored teenager. His mother was sitting at the kitchen table, the newspaper in one hand and scissors for cutting coupons in the other, looking at him with astonishment. "Hiei, I--I had no idea you were back in town! I'm very pleased to see you."

Shuichi jaw dropped.

He had never doubted the authenticity of everything that had been told to him. Not really. But this--_She knows him. She actually knows him._ Greeting by name a person Shuichi couldn't have recognized for the world only two weeks ago. Saying she was pleased to see him.

"Didn't that idiot tell you I was back?" Hiei replied, without looking away from the refrigerator.

Shiori turned to him. "Shuichi, why didn't you--Shuichi? Are you okay?"

Hiei glanced at him. The smug smile on his face spurred Shuichi out of his shock just enough for him to find his voice and say faintly, "I must have forgotten to tell you..."

"Are you okay?" Shiori asked again, walking over to him and putting a hand on his shoulder. "You look terrible."

"I'm fine," Shuichi said, suddenly realizing exactly how bad he must look. For a moment he had honestly thought he was going to pass out. How could he make Hiei stop this?

Fortunately, Hiei didn't seem inclined to press the point. He took two cans of soda out of the refrigerator, came back over to the stairs, and started pushing Shuichi up them. "He's just tired," Hiei told Shiori. "I'll make him lie down."

Shiori looked very worried, but she didn't say anything. Shuichi limply let Hiei steer him up the stairs, back to his room, and shove him onto his bed. Hiei then chucked both sodas at him, and Shuichi just barely managed to keep them from hitting him in the stomach. Hiei resettled himself in the windowsill, looking entirely too pleased with himself. "The virtues of disguise."

"That... that... unfair."

"Hn."

"What--who does she think you are?"

"A friend. Human. Kurama couldn't hide how often I was here, so he disguised it. Some complicated story about how I had a rough home life and needed a place to escape to. He was an exceptional liar. You, by the way, need some work at it."

"If you wouldn't _surprise_ me like that..."

But Shuichi couldn't finish his sentence. His new life was going to include a lot of surprises--he had to get used to that, had to do a better job of thinking on his feet. He was just starting to realize how many lies he was going to have to tell now. How many Kurama had told. _Don't blame it on him--you're just as bad. You never told her about your amnesia--never told anyone. You've always lied to her to make her think you were normal. This will just be more of the same._

Hiei watched him, but didn't press him to speak when he trailed off. After a moment, Shuichi turned and set the soda cans down on his nighttable, knowing neither of them would drink them--they had just been an excuse for Hiei to go downstairs and make his point. "I hate having to lie to her."

"Your only other choice--"

"I know. I don't have a choice," Shuichi said resentfully.

Hiei shrugged. "I warned you."

"Of what?"

"That if you started asking questions, you wouldn't like the answers."

Shuichi sat there stewing in resentment for a moment. It was almost like Hiei was daring him to regret his choice, daring him to send Hiei away. Daring him to complain about the situation he found himself in. So he deliberately chose the opposite course of action. "But I'm grateful," he said tightly, "that you are willing to answer my questions, and do so honestly. Even if I do find the answers unpleasant."

Hiei looked out the window.

"I wonder, though--" Shuichi hesitated, then shrugged. Surely he could be as blunt with Hiei as Hiei was with him. "I wonder if Kurama would have approved. You said he wouldn't have wanted me alone and crying over it, but I wonder if he would have wanted to you to treat me instead like--like he treated Shiori. Disguise things for me."

Hiei shrugged. "Possibly. Being dead, however, he doesn't have a say in the matter."

There was a trace of bitterness in his tone. _Is he getting revenge on Kurama by spending time with me, then? Deliberately doing something he knows Kurama wouldn't want because he's angry at Kurama for dying? What else does he get out of this_? A question that was repeating itself more and more in Shuichi's mind. He knew exactly what _he_ got out of it, but Hiei--he tried to chalk it up to grief, but he knew it wasn't true. Not entirely. There were those moments of calculation in Hiei's eyes...a sense of expectancy.

"Hiei." Shuichi found himself speaking before he realized he meant to. "Are you always going to be here?"

Hiei looked at him--there it was, that calculation, just a trace on an otherwise blank face. "No," Hiei said.

And then he was gone. Vanished. Shuichi had almost gotten used to Hiei's speed, but not quite. He went to the window and looked out, but there was no fire demon in sight. Shuichi bit his lip, wondering if he had somehow offended Hiei by asking. Did Hiei mean, when he said _no_ and then vanished, that he was going _now_? That he wouldn't be back?

No, that was ridiculous. Undoubtedly Hiei had just meant that...

...he didn't want to be friends. Not real ones. That his presence was only until Shuichi stopped feeling disoriented, regained all the memories he was going to. Probably Hiei felt some sort of sense of duty about the whole thing. Of course he wasn't going to hang around in the human world forever.

Shuichi went to bed, sad and discouraged and apprehensive, and wishing very much he hadn't said something that had made Hiei leave. Since regaining Kurama's memories Shuichi had not had a single night without nightmares, nightmares that never lost their grip on him until someone explained what they meant. And he had a feeling Hiei would not be there when he woke up to explain them.

When he did wake, it was nearly morning, and he found he had been both wrong and right. Hiei was not there, but the dream had not been a nightmare. Nor had it been jumbled up or confusing like all the ones before this. It was clearer than memory--clear as if he'd been watching a movie.

Shuichi walked over to the window and stared out it, even knowing that Hiei was nowhere around. "So that's it," he said softly.

It was almost as though the dream had been sent to him--by Kurama himself, perhaps--to answer all the questions Shuichi had had swirling through his head before he fell asleep. To help him understand.

"You never told me you loved him," Shuichi said quietly to the empty backyard.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

_He is lying in a bed, listening to the thrumming of water cascading down onto the ceiling over their heads. He lies very still and does not move._

_Hiei is a few feet away, sitting cross-legged on top of a chest. He does not look at Kurama. Kurama lies there listlessly, ill at ease with the silence. At long last, he goes to the effort of speaking. "I am sorry to put you through this."_

_Hiei does not so much as glance at him. "Not sorry enough," he replies. _

_"You know I can't stop it."_

_"You could have, at one point."_

_Silence. Kurama looks at Hiei's profile, wondering what he's thinking. "...You can leave if you like." A small, pathetic offer, but the only thing he has to give at the moment. _

_Finally, Hiei looks at him. It is a look of resentment--a little scorn, a little pain, but mostly bitter, bitter resentment. Kurama sighs, turning his face to the ceiling. "Then say something. Don't just sit there in silence. I can't stand it."_

_"You are so damn selfish," Hiei whispers. Kurama shuts his eyes. "First you get us here, and then you expect me to do something to make you feel better."_

_"...I'm sorry."_

_"Not sorry enough."_

_Silence again. The hours trickle by, without being marked by anything but their breathing and the thrum of the water all around them. Kurama is not at peace with the one he wants most to be at peace with, and has no way to get there because Hiei is right, right about everything. He would even be right to get up and walk away. But he stays, sitting there with his shoulders tensed and rounded, not looking at him but being with him anyway. Waiting. _

_Kurama wishes this was faster. Maybe he should do something to speed the process along. Many of his plants are poisonous, but he isn't sure he has the strength to summon them. Maybe he should just ask Hiei to do it. Maybe they would both feel better that way. Then again, maybe it would be a memory Hiei wouldn't want._

_Kurama asks. Hiei replies that it's up to him. Kurama says no, Hiei has to tell him if it will make things better or worse. Hiei starts to yell at him, pacing around the room and calling him a selfish bastard and demanding to know why everything has to go exactly the way Kurama plans it to and saying he's not going to determine the manner in which Kurama dies. Kurama insists that Hiei has to decide because Hiei will be the one who has to live with the memory. Hiei swears at him and then starts to cry, which Kurama only knows because Hiei suddenly sits down and pulls himself into a tight little ball, to prevent Kurama from hearing or seeing the tears. _

_Kurama hasn't moved for days, but he finds the strength to get out of bed and stumble over to Hiei, collapsing inelegantly next to him and leaning against his back. They stay that way for a long time, until Hiei is no longer shaking. "Help me," Kurama finally says. Selfish. _

_Someone else might have mistaken it for a request for help standing up, but Hiei doesn't. He turns and places his hand on Kurama's throat. They look at each other for a moment, searching, but there are no words. Neither of them can find any words for this. Hiei's eyes are darkened, impossibly darkened, and Kurama regrets this more than anything else he's ever caused in his life. Still, there's acceptance somewhere in those eyes--there's forgiveness at least, if not peace, before Hiei nods slightly and presses down with his hand. _

Shuichi woke in a state of confusion, of chaos. He was crying, crying hysterically, convulsed with tears and desperately trying to get air into his lungs around them, afraid to not breathe. At the same time, someone was shaking him roughly and saying something to him; Shuichi couldn't distinguish the words. He cried out inarticulately, trying to defend himself. The hands continued to shake him, but now the voice started to make sense. "Shuichi. Wake up. What the hell happened?"

"Hiei..." Shuichi grabbed for Hiei and clumsily tried to drag him closer, wanting nothing more in the world than to be held. Hiei, baffled, resisted moving, and Shuichi cried harder. It was too much.. the strength of despair, the sorrow...the fact that the memory did not, could not, possibly belong to him...

And the memory of death. Knowing what it actually felt like to die. It was too much. Shuichi cried, and cried, and continued to try to get close to Hiei, although the demon was clearly opposed to this and eventually put both hands on Shuichi's shoulders to pin him to the bed at a safe distance. Shuichi cried a little more in frustration, but eventually he ran out of tears and energy and lay there more or less quietly, his chest heaving.

Hiei looked at him dubiously, obviously wondering if it was safe to release him or not. "What caused that?" he asked simply.

Shuichi only looked at him resentfully. Damned demon. Was he so mean he couldn't even give someone who was desperately in need of it one single hug? So mean he would push someone away and pin them down rather than get their tears on him? _He wouldn't even touch Kurama when he was dying. Except he did let me rest against his back._

_Me--him--we--_Shuichi didn't have any more tears in him, but he rolled onto his side, facing away from Hiei, and curled up into as tight a ball as he could. He felt Hiei settle down next to him, now that Shuichi wasn't grabbing for him anymore. "What did you dream about?"

"N-none of your business," Shuichi managed.

"Oh. Then I'll go."

Shuichi snatched Hiei's wrist, looking at him with alarm. Hiei looked from Shuichi's face to the hand on his wrist and back. "Then it's my business."

"You ass!" Hiei stared at him. "Can't you just accept that somebody had a terrible dream and want to make them feel better without making them talk about it? Can't you see I'm upset and I need you to--to be a decent person instead of trying to analyze me like it doesn't matter what I feel? You're _horrible!_"

Hiei eyed him dispassionately. "And you're a human teenager. If I ever had any doubt of that, I no longer have it."

Shuichi hit him. Hiei didn't even react; he just gave Shuichi a mildly contemptuous look. Probably he had barely noticed. Shuichi wanted badly to be able to say _go away_, but he couldn't. He didn't dare to be alone with this. He was frightened of what he might do.

"Do you hate me?" he asked.

"What did you dream about that makes you ask that?"

"It's not the dream, and I dreamed about _dying_ thank you very much, but you won't do anything to _help_ me. You don't even want to touch me."

"I don't do touch. Was it when Youko was shot? Was that what you dreamed?"

"You do too touch people. Don't forget, I've got Kurama's memories." Shuichi thought about the dream, about leaning against Hiei's back--no, it wasn't even close to a hug, but it was comfortable all the same. Peaceful. And then, Hiei had turned around and strangled him. Which had been peaceful as well--for Kurama, that is. His peace as he died made Shuichi all the more terrified.

Despite exhaustion, Shuichi started crying again. _Don't forget, I've got Kurama's memories_. How true was that sentence? "I want to talk to Kurama," he said through the tears.

"So do I," Hiei replied dryly. "As you may have noticed, however--"

"I don't care!" Shuichi burst out. "I don't care. There has to be a way. Yusuke's friends with the grim reaper, isn't he? And Kuwabara and Shizuru are psychic. Don't _tell_ me there's no way to talk to ghosts!"

Hiei was silent. "I have to talk to him," Shuichi continued miserably. "I have to. I don't care if I have to use a damned Ouija board. I have to ask him something."

"Ask me."

"You don't know the answer."

"How do you know unless you ask?"

Shuichi looked at him resentfully, realizing he had a point. It wasn't like Shuichi knew all the rules of this new world he'd been thrust into; maybe Hiei could explain it. "I--have to ask if Kurama's sending me dreams," Shuichi said carefully. "When you were here two days ago, I went to sleep wondering about something and it was like the dream answered my question. And then tonight--there's no way--no way that I--"

"Yes?"

"I couldn't have remembered that," Shuichi said in a choked voice. "It was way past the time that Kurama and I split. It never happened to my body. So either I'm making things up, or--"

Shuichi broke off suddenly. It hadn't occurred to him before now that his dream might have been just that--a dream. It had been so clear--and why the hell would he have invented something so disturbing? And yet, there was no way he could have remembered it...

And only one way to find out. Shuichi raised his eyes to Hiei's, which were fixed on him with an intensity that made him swallow heavily. "When you... when you and Kurama..."

How was he going to phrase this? _Did you kill Kurama_? was not going to cut it. Wordlessly, he reached out and took Hiei's hand, placed it on his own throat. "I dreamed about this."

Hiei's reaction was instantaneous. His eyes went wide; he snatched his hand back, but not before Shuichi knew the answer to his question. The dream was accurate. "How could I have that memory?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

He hadn't expected an answer, but to his great surprise he got one. "Kurama..." Hiei looked down at his hand for a moment, the one that Shuichi had placed on his throat. "Kurama is not... we don't know where he is."

Shuichi sat up straighter. "What?"

"We don't know where he is. That's why you can't talk to him. His spirit never arrived where it was supposed to. They can't find it. They thought there was a possibility it would return to you."

"Has it?" Shuichi's voice was a squeak.

Hiei shrugged. "You tell me."

Shuichi frowned. "I... I'm not Kurama. I don't feel any different than I did before. I just... I just remembered something I couldn't possibly have remembered."

Hiei nodded, frowning. "I suppose it's possible his memories could return to you, if not his spirit as a whole."

Shuichi stared at Hiei. Something had just dawned on him, suddenly and completely. "You... that's why you're here."

Hiei looked at him blankly. "Why you've been spending time with me," Shuichi continued hollowly. "You're watching to see if Kurama reappears."

When Hiei continued to give no response, Shuichi felt anger welling up in him--hot, overwhelming, stronger than the terror of the dream. "All this time, I thought you were the only person who understood that I _wasn't_ Kurama, and here you've just been hanging out waiting for me to turn into him! Helping me remember things so that I'll become him faster! _That's_ why you're always around me, that's why you're always ready to help. So that I won't exist anymore!"

"Don't be--"

"Get out."

"Don't--"

"Get out of my room."

Hiei glared at him, waiting for a moment until it looked like Shuichi wasn't going to pounce on the next word he said. "Don't be stupid. You want to be alone with that memory? With whatever memory comes next? You'll kill yourself. And I'm getting really, really sick of watching you kill yourself. So get over this human teenager routine and tell me what else you remember."

Shuichi was still for a moment. He wanted to yell, and he wanted to hit things and break things, but he knew it wouldn't do any good. So he waited until he was certain he could speak without shouting. "This is the last time I will tell you to get out."

Hiei raised his eyebrows. "Good."

He calmly folded his arms and stayed where he was, looking at Shuichi pointedly. Shuichi forced himself to stay calm; he stood up, picked his shoes up from where they rested near the door, and put them on. "What are you doing?" Hiei asked.

Shuichi didn't answer. He put on a jacket, went down the stairs, and left the house.


	13. Chapter 13

_A/N: This chapter is a little short, but the next one looks like it's going to be long, so it evens out. I hope. _

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

It was Shizuru who answered the door. "Shuichi?" she said in confusion. Then she saw his red and watery eyes and opened the door further, gesturing him inside. "Hey, kid, what happened?"

Shuichi stepped inside gratefully. He wasn't sure if it was his nerves or what everyone called "heightened spiritual awareness," but he'd had the disturbing sense that Hiei had followed him all the way here, watching him from the trees. He was very glad to get inside. "Had a nightmare," he muttered.

"About Kurama?"

"Yeah." Shizuru shut the door behind him. "I was wondering--" Shuichi stammered, "if--maybe I could sleep on your couch? I just--I just don't want to be alone."

He had decided on the way over not to mention the real reason he was here. For one thing, he was ashamed that he couldn't even preserve his own right to be alone in his room and had been forced to flee. For another, he didn't to seem like he was whining to Kuwabara to settle a fight between himself and Hiei.

Right on cue, Kuwabara's voice joined the conversation. "Of course you can sleep here." Shuichi jumped and turned, his already frazzled nerves making him act like an edgy cat. He hadn't heard Kuwabara come into the room. "Man, what happened to you?" Kuwabara asked.

"Bad dream. Shouldn't we keep our voices down?" Shuichi asked nervously. "We'll wake up your parents."

"Not home. Never are," Kuwabara said dismissively. "Come into the kitchen."

The bright yellow light in the kitchen was almost harsh after walking through the night. Shizuru started making tea without asking anybody if they wanted it; Kuwabara straddled a chair and looked a Shuichi contemplatively. "_Really_ bad dream, I guess?"

Shuichi shrugged uneasily. "I just didn't want to be alone."

"You've been crying," Kuwabara pointed out with an extreme lack of tact.

Shuichi waited to see if Shizuru would reprimand him, but she didn't. He could swear he could feel her listening. Resentment stirred inside him. They were so curious to know what had happened, but neither of them had been around lately; he didn't have an obligation to explain.

_An obligation to explain_. Shuichi looked at Kuwabara, and suddenly spoke without thought to the consequences. "Do you know about Kurama?"

Kuwabara looked baffled. "About... what about Kurama?"

"Where he is, right this second? I need to speak with him."

Shizuru turned away from the teapot to look at him sharply. A fleeting expression of guilt crossed Kuwabara's face. It was enough. Shuichi felt himself going cold all over again. "You knew."

Kuwabara didn't say anything. "Tell me," Shuichi said, amazed at how civil his own voice came out, "why, if I am the only person who can accurately tell if Kurama's living inside my body again or not, I am the only person who hasn't been told that this might happen?"\

"Look--there's enough going on in your life right now," Kuwabara said, looking and sounding very rattled. "We've all been keeping an eye out--"

"No you _haven't_. I've only seen you _once_ since you didn't need my help anymore."

"But we knew if Kurama--well, if he did show up again, he would definitely let us know where he was. And if not, hell, you didn't ask for all this--I thought if you wanted to see us you'd tell us so. If you want to go back to having a normal life--"

Shuichi slammed his hand on the kitchen table; Kuwabara stopped short, his eyes widening. "What the hell is _wrong_ with all of you?" Shuichi cried. "I don't ever want to hear the word _normal_ again! I _can't_ be normal! I can't remember most of my life, I can't remember who I was friends with or what I did, and the memories I do have are things I can barely understand about a person who isn't me who used to control my body! Do you honestly believe that picture that Kurama made up, of me turning into a normal human kid with a loving family and no bigger worries than where to go to college? Did you believe in that? I don't know how Kurama even convinced himself that could be true. It is _not possible_ for me to ever be normal. And the only reason I haven't gone crazy these last weeks is that Hiei gives blunt answers so I can at least understand a little bit of what's happening to me. Except for when it really counts, in which case he's just as bad a liar as all of you. Probably he's frustrated it's taking so long for me to turn back into Kurama."

Shuichi stopped abruptly, realizing he'd said far more than he meant to. He was slightly frightened by the way Kuwabara was looking at him--no longer with shock, but with a grim, flat-eyed expression that Shuichi suspected was the precursor to anger. There was a short moment of silence, and then Kuwabara said, "Excuse me," and got up stiffly, walking quickly out of the room.

Shuichi was staring after him so hard that he jumped when Shizuru placed a mug of tea in front of him. "Did--did I really anger him that much?" he asked, disconcerted.

Shizuru shook her head. "No. Not you."

"...He's angry that Hiei told me the truth."

Shizuru shrugged. "Maybe." She sipped her tea. "My guess is that he's more angry about the way Hiei told it. I mean, it's pretty obvious that that was your 'nightmare' tonight."

Shuichi flushed. "No, I really did have a nightmare," he said quickly. "A bad one. I... spoke with Hiei after."

Shizuru shrugged again. "I don't need the details, Shuichi. It's obvious you don't want to talk about it. But that's why my bro stormed out, at any rate, to go settle it with Hiei."

Shuichi felt the stirrings of panic. That was precisely what he had _not_ wanted to happen. "He's going to go looking for Hiei in the middle of the night?"

Shizuru looked at him oddly. She hesitated a moment before answering. "Shuichi... Hiei's been outside this whole time. I thought you were aware of him."

Shuichi stood up so fast he nearly spilled his mug of tea. Without a further word or thought, he ran to the door.

Only Kuwabara was there when he reached the front yard. He was standing with his arms crossed and wearing a thoughtful expression, staring down the street. "Where's Hiei?" Shuichi asked.

"He left."

"He... Why did you _do_ that?" Shuichi demanded angrily. "I didn't ask you to leap to my defense like I'm some sort of child. It's not any of your business. I can deal with Hiei."

Kuwabara gave him a long, appraising look. "Yeah. I guess you can."

Shuichi glared back at him. "That look just now--was that you trying to figure out how much of Kurama I have in me? That seems to be the only qualification that any of you believe gives me the right to talk to Hiei without supervision."

Kuwabara--probably wisely--didn't answer him directly. "Hiei asked me to tell you something."

_And, cue the group drama. Ironic that Hiei would be the one to start it._ "Yes?" Shuichi asked warily.

"He said he won't leave you alone forever, but he'll leave you alone for now. He said to tell him when you're prepared to discuss it, and until then, your space is yours. Does that make sense to you? 'Cause it doesn't really to me."

_Until then, your space is yours._ Every memory of Kurama and Hiei interacting that Shuichi possessed told him that this, by Hiei's standards, was an apology. Hiei was backing down. But he was making it clear his absence didn't mean he was running out on Shuichi, either. He was just waiting for Shuichi to be ready to resume communication.

Shuichi felt his anger begin to drain out of him, leaving him feeling a little light-headed. "Yes, it makes sense."

Kuwabara waited for a moment, obviously giving Shuichi a chance to elaborate, but when Shuichi was silent Kuwabara went on. "Can I say something."

"Yes," Shuichi said warily.

"I'm not sorry for getting between you and Hiei. And I don't think of you as a child. I just think you're in over your head. And anyone would be in this situation, it's nothing to do with you or Kurama or me making comparisons between you. I'm the one that came and got you and practically forced you to go to the temple, I'm partly responsible for all this happening. So if there's a way for me to make it easier on you I will. And I didn't know how you felt about the whole 'normal' thing. You can put up a pretty good mask."

Shuichi felt the last of his anger ebbing away. "I know I do," he admitted. "I always have--to cover my amnesia. You--I know it's hard on you to see me and hear me speak when I look and sound just like him. And none of you have an obligation to talk to me if it causes you too much pain. This is not your responsibility, Kuwabara--I chose to take my memories back, and it's Kurama that got me into this mess in the first place. Just--just don't keep secrets from me. Not when it's so important. I have a right to know that he--might be coming back."

"Agreed."

They stood in silence for a moment, until Shizuru called to them from the front door to stop standing around the yard like statues. Seeming to come to an unspoken agreement not to talk about it anymore tonight, they went inside and found that Shizuru had made up a bed for Shuichi on the sofa. He settled into it gratefully, having just enough time to pray that no more dreams would come tonight before the exhaustion of the night's events overwhelmed him and sleep claimed him.


	14. Chapter 14

_A/N: So, I took this chapter off in a bad direction, and it took me nearly two months to recognize that. On the other hand, I now have the rest of the story outlined. Expect about 3 more chapters. _

* * *

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

_the next evening_

Shuichi looked pensively at the window.

Kuwabara's words echoed in his head. _He said he'll wait for you to tell him you're ready to talk about it and until then, your space is yours. _

Shuichi had woken up this morning with his head aching from all the crying and yelling he had done the night before, but for all that his thoughts had been curiously clear and calm. Calm, but--as Shuichi was starting to fear was a permanent condition--full of questions. For which only one source would do for answers.

Hiei hadn't said _how_ Shuichi was supposed to let him know when Shuichi was ready to talk; but after thinking a little, Shuichi had realized that wasn't a problem. He already knew--and Hiei was counting on him to remember. So Shuichi had gone home, lied to his mother about having gone out for an early morning walk, and spent the day quietly with his family, waiting with scant patience for the night to come and everyone to go to their beds and sleep. As soon as he felt it was safe, he went to his room, opened the window, and sat down to wait.

It took Hiei about twenty minutes to show up. Shuichi wasn't sure if Hiei had really been somewhere else, or if he just wanted to prove that he hadn't been sitting around waiting for Shuichi. Whichever was true, he didn't come inside right away--he crouched on the windowsill, both of them eyeing the other with a bit of wariness. "You seem better," Hiei finally said flatly.

Shuichi had to suppress the impulse to smile. Memories not his told him that this was Hiei's way of inquiring as to how he felt, and that the extreme flatness of his tone was meant to disguise this. _Does he think he can fool me? Does he not know how much I remember?_ "Much better," Shuichi confirmed.

There was a moment of tense silence. Then Hiei settled into a sitting position on the windowsill instead of a wary crouch, and some of the tension eased. "So," Hiei said. "You had to go and drag everyone else into it."

Shuichi considered this. "Yes," he replied calmly.

Hiei looked at him sharply; clearly this had not been the answer he had been expecting. "You didn't leave me a choice," Shuichi continued. "I wasn't able to get away from you when I needed to, so I went for help. That's what I've been told to do."

"By who?"

"Everybody," Shuichi replied coldly. He knew it was petty, but he was still miffed enough to want to rub this in Hiei's face. "You didn't know that, did you. Before they brought me home from Genkai's, every one of _your_ friends had warned me about you. Told me to ask them for help if you started to bully me or upset me. I don't know if this is what they had in mind," Shuichi added reflectively.

Hiei didn't reply. Shuichi could tell that he really _hadn't_ known about that, and wasn't pleased with it. A bit too late, Shuichi realized he might have just started more bickering between Hiei and Kuwabara and Yusuke. He hoped not; he desperately wanted to not involve the rest of the group in this fight between him and Hiei any more than he already had. He was still angry with everyone for concealing the knowledge that Kurama's soul was missing from him, but that was a different argument than the one he was having with Hiei. Sort of.

At any rate, the fight with Hiei had to be handled first.

Hiei still wasn't saying anything, or looking at him for that matter--he had an expression on his face that said he was deep in thought. Watching him, wondering if he would have to say something to pull Hiei back to the present, Shuichi suddenly found himself caught in a deep wave of disorientation.

It was so complete that he had to clutch at the edge of the bed to keep from feeling like he was moving. Watching Hiei look so contemplative, a number of responses swept through Shuichi, and they were definitely not all his. Part of him was nervous and hesitant, struggling with a teenager's emotions, and part of him was exasperated, and part of him trusted Hiei so completely and thoroughly that it was inconceivable he shouldn't tell Hiei everything he knew. He recalled that last night it had seemed certain that Hiei hated him, and he recalled from older memories how much Hiei loved him.

If he wanted Hiei's attention, his friendship, was that something that Hiei had earned from him or a leftover desire of Kurama's, imprinted onto Shuichi so strongly that he couldn't discern whether it was his? If he grew angry with Hiei, was it on his own behalf or because some half-remembered quarrel from the past had been revisited? How could he know what to do?

"If I talk, will you listen?"

Shuichi looked up, startled. He was still gripping the edges of the bed. Hiei was giving him a look that said he'd been watching him silently for some time, reading his emotional turmoil. Shuichi nodded mutely, slowly and carefully uncurling his fingers.

"About last night," Hiei said, with the air of one who is prepared to talk for a long time. "First of all--every reason I have for being around you has to do with Kurama. That is so pathetically obvious I can't believe it shocks you to learn it. Without Kurama's existence I wouldn't be aware of your existence. With that understood, I have _not_ been waiting for you to become him. I don't expect it to happen."

"But the dream--"

"It's possible for Kurama's memories to come back to you without Kurama himself coming back. I told you that last night, but I don't think you heard me. I've been aware there was a slim chance Kurama's soul could re-inhabit your body; maybe I should have made you aware of that. But from my perspective, you already seemed mixed up enough. I thought it would be much worse for you if you knew; you would have gone from doubting where your reactions were coming from to doubting if you, as a person, even existed independent from Kurama. I decided not to put you through that on what I considered the extremely improbable chance that Kurama would return. It will shock me if he does. Kurama went to an enormous amount of trouble to deliberately separate himself from you, and he can be incredibly stubborn when he decides to do something. I'm willing to bet he'd pick spiritual disintegration over living inside your body without hesitation."

Shuichi was silent. Hiei's words opened up a possibility he'd never considered before: that Kurama could be so dedicated to his decision that he would not only choose to die, but choose not to exist if it meant he could leave Shuichi alone. Shuichi felt all his anger at Kurama, at the stupidity of leaving Shuichi in this situation, turning into cold guilt.

Hiei waited a moment for Shuichi to absorb what he'd said, then moved on. He spoke matter-of-factly. "As to why I'm here. As far as I'm concerned, Kurama is dead and vanished and the only part of him left in the world is you and what you remember. I'm here because I miss him. I'm also here because you may come to possess information that is important or dangerous to me. And I'm also here to answer your questions, because I believe no one else will give you straight answers and you need those. Furthermore, I've been clear with you about all of this from the first day. So quit being pissed."

Shuichi was silent, much subdued. Hiei didn't do anything to fill the silence. Shuichi bit his lip, looking at the floor while he considered this new possibility: that Kurama no longer existed. That the reason Shuichi was remembering things that belonged to Kurama was because Kurama had no memory.

It made him want to cry just to imagine it. He stopped himself, with the feeling that if Hiei was going to keep a stiff upper lip about this Shuichi had no right to cry in front of him. He cast about for something to say that would steer them away from the danger of tears. "So--you don't think he's sending me the dreams."

"Why do _you_ think he is?"

"I don't know, it just seems to me that they sometimes come at really, really appropriate moments. Like they're answering questions I was wondering about."

"You don't think that could be your subconscious? Directing yourself to memories that you already have, but you can't make the connections when you're awake?"

Shuichi gaped at him. All day he had prepared himself to hold his ground in this conversation, to get angry again if he had to, and in ten minutes Hiei had planted very solid doubt for everything Shuichi had gone into the conversation believing. "I... I hadn't thought of it that way."

"If you sent a dream of--what you dreamed last night, then he's being sadistic. Which is definitely at odds with the rest of his behavior towards you. Unless you really needed to know something about how he died?" Hiei asked with a raised eyebrow.

"No, I... that was out of the blue, last night. Maybe it was just such a powerful memory I couldn't ignore it--but how did I _get_ it?"

Hiei shrugged. "We might never know."

"And you're okay with that?"

"No. But I'm okay with not knowing for a long time. We don't have to answer all these questions tonight. Running in circles won't help," Hiei added, giving him a pointed look. "Remember how much you've figured out in the past two weeks just by letting things come to you. You should continue to do that. Believe me, if Kurama exists somewhere and wants us to know about it, we'll know. He won't use you."

"But what if I start to remember things you don't want me to?" Shuichi blurted out.

Hiei gave him a puzzled look. "What sort of things?"

"Secrets. Kurama's secrets. You said I might have memories that are dangerous to you; I know I do. And there's things you told him or shared with him--things other people aren't supposed to know, and there are things other people told him that _I'm_ not supposed to know. It's not just his actions, I remember his feelings. How I react to people--I don't know if it's me or him. You, mostly. What if--what if I start to fall in love with you."

Hiei's face went blank with shock. It was a long moment before he said faintly, "What?"

"What if I start to remember how Kurama felt about you, and mistake it for--"

"Kurama wasn't in love with me."

"But I remember when you told him..." Shuichi trailed off, a new possibility suddenly occurring to him. "Oh."

His dream from three nights ago--the first one that had caused him to wonder if Kurama was sending him dreams. The one that had suddenly made sense of the way Hiei behaved. In that dream, Shuichi had watched like a fly on the wall in this very room while his own body, his own voice, quarreled heatedly with Hiei over this new idea of Kurama's, that he might be able to split himself from Shuichi. He had watched as Kurama had turned his back on Hiei in pique, and so had not seen the emotions that had swept over Hiei's face while they fought--love, loss, desperation. But Shuichi had seen them. He had watched as Hiei somehow gathered the courage to haltingly, painfully, tell Kurama that the reason he was so opposed to the plan was that he already loved Kurama the way he was.

And he'd watched as Kurama coldly dismissed the claim, furious that Hiei would go to such lengths to stop Kurama from doing something he very much wanted to do. So wrapped up in his new desire that he didn't consider that Hiei was telling the truth.

The dream had ended not long after that, but Shuichi had assumed that they'd spoken about it again. If nothing else, from the peace that he'd felt during the dream of Kurama's death. Kurama had loved Hiei, Shuichi was more certain of that than most things he remembered. "Yes, he was," he said softly, in response to Hiei's statement.

He felt--at first, he wasn't sure what he felt. It was a flare of heat, or motion, but not quite either of those things. It was just _something_ in the air all around Hiei, and then Shuichi got a good look at his face and realized what the sensation was. He scrambled backwards on the bed until he came up against the headboard, instinctively terrified--he had never seen anyone look this angry, never felt this kind of energy.

The next thing Shuichi knew, his right hand was clutching his hair, reaching desperately for something that wasn't there. Something to defend himself with, because when Hiei looked like this it was time to draw weapons, and even though Shuichi knew he had no weapons, no magical plants to defend himself with, his body insisted on reaching for them anyway, a response buried too deep in his muscle memory to be stopped.

And the way Hiei looked at him changed--from pure anger to anger mixed with shock, and confusion, and grief. It was terrible to see. They stayed frozen in that tableau under Shuichi, still paralyzed with fear and praying Hiei would control himself, managed to stammer, "I'm sorry."

Hiei's expression did not change. "Why did you do that?"

Shuichi wasn't sure whether Hiei meant what he'd said, or his reaching for a non-existent rose. He decided it would be safer to answer the second one. He tried to keep his tone calm. "Habit. An instinct. I know there's nothing there, and even if there was I wouldn't know how to use it, but I did it without thinking."

Hiei's tone was clipped and angry. "Why did you _say_ that."

Shuichi hesitated, wondering if there was any answer that wouldn't cause anger. But he couldn't think of any answer except the truth. "Because I believe it to be true."

"_Why_? What memory is telling you that?"

Shuichi looked at him steadily. "All of them."

For the second time that night. Hiei looked blindsided. Like he didn't know what to do. "I thought you knew," Shuichi added softly.

"You're making it up," Hiei said flatly. "You're remembering wrong."

"Yeah. It's so much more likely that I would develop a schoolboy crush on you. You're charming, you know." The words weren't even completely out of his mouth before Shuichi started to regret them--_damn it, do not talk like that to him, not when he's angry. If you're going to talk to him like Kurama did, you're going to have to be able to defend yourself._

The energy that felt like fire to Shuichi flared up again, stronger--so strong that Shuichi felt like he couldn't move, even though the same instincts were screaming at him to get ready for battle. Hiei looked at him with loathing. "Bastard."

"I didn't--"

Shuichi broke off when he suddenly realized he was addressing an empty room. A cold, quiet room, with the only abnormality being the window that was on its hinges from the force with which it had been leapt from.

Shuichi stumbled to the window, but of course it was far too late. "Hiei!" he called, not knowing if Hiei was still close enough to hear him. "Hiei, I didn't--"

But he wasn't sure what to say next. Didn't mean it? But he had meant it; he was certain of it. Didn't what, then? "Didn't mean to hurt you," he whispered.

There was no answer. Shuichi looked out into the night, feeling half a dozen pertinent memories shifting and stirring inside him, some his and some Kurama's. Memories of fights where Hiei had fled out that window, and come back--days, weeks, sometimes months later, but he had come back. In none of them had Hiei shown anything close to this level of anger. In none of them had Shuichi or Kurama managed to wound him so deeply, so unintentionally.

Shuichi left the window as it was and went back to his bed, curling up into a ball--he lay there staring at the wall for hours, too upset to sleep but too tired to cry.


	15. Chapter 15

_A/N: W-whut? I went nearly two months without updating this? Here, have a chapter. Hopefully I'll write the next one faster. _

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Shuichi dreamed.

He still had no way to know if the dreams were his own, or if Kurama influenced them, but one thing was certain: the subject matter, which up until now had been rather haphazard and jumbled, took on a definite theme after Hiei left.

That first night, Shuichi dreamed that Hiei was in jail and Shuichi rescued him. Over and over he dreamed of a dozen different scenarios, all of which couldn't be true and all of which couldn't be false. He dreamed he turned into a fox and stole a key from someone's desk; he and Hiei took turns sitting in the cell and being free; he played chess with Koenma while Hiei watched; he helped Hiei hide the bodies of the guards he'd killed.

The following morning, he had a difficult time explaining the broken windowsill to his mother and stepfather. He thought wistfully of the plant everyone called "dream pollen" while he told the only story he could think of: that he and Hiei had been roughhousing and it had gotten out of hand. He promised to pay for the repair and Hatanaka went off to work annoyed but accepting--after all, far stranger things than this had happened where his stepson was concerned.

Shiori, however, kept a watchful eye on Shuichi as he moped around the house all day. He desperately wanted company, but he was unwilling to go anywhere. Even though he knew that Hiei was not coming back, he couldn't bring himself to be away from the window.

About an hour before dinner, Shiori carefully asked Shuichi, with no judgment in her tone, if the damage to the window had really been an accident. Caught off guard, Shuichi almost asked if he and Hiei had fought a lot before, but remembered in time that Shiori didn't know there _was_ a "before." He wound up not answering, just silently walking out of the room. Shiori didn't call him back.

The second night, he dreamed he was in his room, wrapping bandages around Hiei's arm and criticizing him for having a rotten temper and worse timing. Hiei fell asleep while Shuichi was still scolding, and Shuichi finished doctoring him and tucked him into bed with a feeling of great affection that was at odds with his words.

Then a host of nightmare-type creatures invaded the room but Shuichi fought them all off, feeling confident in his strength and fond in his determination not to let the monsters wake Hiei. Then the dream changed, and it was suddenly Shuichi lying disoriented in a blood-soaked bed while Hiei loomed over him, his presence somehow filling the whole room. Hiei applied salve and bandages roughly and told Shuichi in the same breath that he was a bastard and he would be fine. Shuichi tried to explain that the monsters were about to come back but Hiei didn't listen, just kept telling him to sleep.

The second day was worse than the first. Shuichi felt the need to avoid his mother's questioning, so he gave up on the idea of staying near his window and went for a long walk around the city, going nowhere. Telling himself that things would be okay. Hiei was angry with him, but he would come back. He'd always come back before, at least, when he was angry with Kurama. And he'd said himself that Shuichi was the only piece of Kurama that was left in this world. Hiei wouldn't be able to stay away from that.

At least, Shuichi hoped that was true.

When he stopped walking he found himself in the park, standing by the tree that Hiei had favored to doze in. Shuichi went home, got into a fight with his stepbrother over nothing, and locked himself in his room.

He dreamed of that awful Dark Tournament. He was standing outside the ring, watching Hiei fight over and over again. He kept thinking that the next fight would be the last, kept thinking wistfully of a little hotel room that was just theirs--but there was always one more competitor. So Hiei fought and Shuichi stood rooted in place, unable to move or speak, unable to do anything but watch.

The next day, Shiori informed him she had made an appointment with his therapist for that afternoon. Shuichi had always hated going to see that woman; now that he had some memories back and knew what had caused the "sudden behavioral change" that Shiori had sent him there for in the first place, he hated it even more. But he masked his resentment and, using skills he knew were more Kurama's than his, crafted a half-truth concerning the reentrance of old friends into his life, mulled over some existential woes and then faked an appropriate revelation. He left with the therapist's warm assurance that he had "made real progress" and "should be just fine." It was sad how easy it was to do.

That night, he chased Hiei through his dreams. _Play tag_, Hiei said in the dream, and Shuichi agreed. But then Hiei leapt away and Shuichi remembered, a moment too late, that he could never catch Hiei. He was too fast. But Shuichi ran after him anyway, hearing echoes of Hiei's voice taunting him, telling him he was almost there. But he never got close enough to see him.

The next day Shuichi broke down and called Yusuke. He was still a little wary of Yusuke because of the first impression he'd made, but he also knew if Hiei was in contact with anyone it would be him. Yusuke said he hadn't seen Hiei in a long time, that he didn't have a clue where he was, and that he wanted to know why Shuichi was asking. Shuichi told him they'd fought without telling him what it had been about. Yusuke laughed, then blithely reassured Shuichi that Hiei would show up when he was good and ready and Shuichi shouldn't waste his time worrying about "that punk."

Shuichi hung up and called Kuwabara. When he received almost exactly the same answer, he went down to the train station and rode the train to the end of the line, then hiked up to the temple to try his luck with Genkai and Yukina. Yukina was the only one, out of all of them, who showed the slightest hint of concern about Hiei's absence, and she let herself be reassured easily by Genkai.

Shuichi rode back home feeling resentful and frustrated. He kept trying to impress on everyone how bad a fight it had been, but without telling them what it was about, how could they understand? How could they know how badly he needed to just know Hiei was okay somewhere and have a change to apologize and explain? They all thought he was blowing something out of proportion. They all thought they knew Hiei better than he did.

_Well, I have more memories of Hiei than all of you put together. I know things nobody else except Kurama does._ And one of the things Shuichi was starting to realize he knew was that Hiei was not coming back. Not for a long time, at least.

The fourth night of dreams was unconfused and memory-like, of himself and Hiei lying on the floor of his room, listless, the weight of things they couldn't say pressing down on them. Shuichi knew that it was just after Yukina had been rescued, and that Hiei needed to talk about it but couldn't. So he started talking randomly about flowers and botany, showing Hiei various plants until Hiei grew bored and cantankerous enough to poke at one of them. The rest of the dream was Shuichi untangling them both from the resulting explosion of vines. He and Hiei were laughing.

The next day there was an enormous, hours-long fight in the Hatanaka household which involved everyone fighting about nothing. Shuichi knew his own miserable tension was the cause of it. He fled the house and walked aimlessly through the streets, not coming home until all the lights in the house were off. It was much later than usual before the light in his mother and stepfather's room was extinguished.

Shuichi tried not to sleep. He didn't want to know what the next dream would be. He sat cross-legged on his bed, weary and miserable, and stared at the broken window. But try as he might, he was human and exhausted; he drifted in and out of sleep, often half-aware. He saw Hiei in the window at times. He didn't say anything, just watched him, knowing that if he spoke Hiei wouldn't respond. Shuichi didn't remember falling into deeper sleep, but when he woke there were tears he didn't remember crying on his face.

He took the train to the temple again, and repeated the same conversation with Genkai and Yukina. The more they tried to reassure him, the more upset he became. Nobody understood. And there was no way to make them understand.

Shuichi spent late afternoon and evening standing quietly in the forest surrounding Genkai's temple, looking at the place where he knew he could step over an invisible boundary and into the demon world. Yukina watched him most of the time he was there, but she didn't say anything. Shuichi had no way of knowing what she would have done if he'd tried to cross. Maybe stopped him. Maybe come with him. Kurama had been almost certain Yukina knew who Hiei was--maybe she'd want to help. But Kurama had also thought of Yukina as someone who needed protection.

Shuichi had no skill at evaluating someone's demon strength. He knew Yukina was weaker than Kurama and Hiei and Yusuke, because he remembered. He also knew all three of those people were considered very powerful demons. So it didn't tell him how strong or weak Yukina might be in comparison to an average demon; if she might be capable of protecting him, if she went with him. Or just how much protection he would need. Shuichi didn't know how dangerous it would be to step over that border. He knew there was at least _some_ danger, because everyone said so. But Kurama's memories held no fear of it; and Kurama's memories were a very strong part of Shuichi these days. He knew that he was not Kurama, knew there was reason to fear, but he didn't feel frightened. Couldn't conceptualize the danger.

Shuichi didn't realize how late it had become until the light faded. It was too late to catch a train home. He walked back up to the temple and slept on the porch in the mellow air, not bothering to inform Genkai he was there or use her phone to call his mother. He felt locked into a stupor, unable to make more than the most basic of efforts.

Then, the sixth night of dreams.

The dream that night was crystal clear, and it came from a time past when Kurama had shared Shuichi's body. In it, Kurama had been Yoko and he and Hiei had wandered demon world, laughing at Kurama's moments of disorientation from the recent split, not yet aware that anything was wrong. Kurama tried, in his fox form, to catch a fish and fell into the river instead. Hiei laughed so hard he hyperventilated. Kurama, back in Yoko form, helped Hiei to regain control of his breathing and then, when he was still weak from laughter, picked him up and tossed him in the river. Hiei crawled out, dried himself with a puff of fire, and started laughing again; Kurama was forced to laugh too. They ate fish cooked over an open fire that night--Kurama having had many more successful tries at fishing--and then lay on their stomachs and talked, frequently interrupting each other, talking about nothing and everything with the sense that they would never run out of things to say, but there was no hurry to get it all said. The end of Kurama's memory was of falling asleep with a full belly with Hiei lying next to him, staring at the stars with a grin on his face.

Shuichi woke curled into the fetal position, shivering from cold. Dawn was only the faintest suggestion on the horizon. Shuichi stood and stiffly went down the temple steps.

His feet moved without his conscious direction. Shuichi walked in a kind of daze, dwelling on the memory so fresh in his mind--the feeling of being deeply and perfectly happy and in love. When he found himself by the border again he stopped. He tried to search his mind for any true knowledge about what lay on the other side, but all that came was Kurama's emotional reaction--a lack of fear.

Shuichi stepped over the border.


	16. Chapter 16

_A/N: I'm not sure I got this right but I can't stand to fuss with it anymore. Next to last chapter!_

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

The world around him transformed. Less humid, with an acrid scent in the air that Shuichi reacted to simultaneously with revulsion and pleasure. He blinked his eyes against the dry air.

"Well, hello…"

The words were a slithering hiss behind him. Shuichi started to turn around. It was the last thing he remembered.

* * *

He woke up slowly. The first thing he was aware of was that he was lying on a hard bed. His left arm hurt, especially his bicep; he could feel a bandage of some kind wrapped tightly around it. Wherever he was, it was pitch black. He struggled against an unexpected weakness in his muscles to sit up.

"Are you done being suicidal yet?"

Shuichi fell back against the bed. It was Hiei's voice, speaking from somewhere very close, with a sort of clipped anger. Shuichi wondered if he was dreaming. "Wh… where--"

"Genkai's. I _told_ you I am sick of watching you choose suicidal paths. It was one of Kurama's worst habits and you've inherited it. Don't. Be. _Stupid._"

Even though he could heard Hiei clearly and had a general idea of where he was, the room was so dark that Shuichi could barely make out his profile, standing next to the bed. "I wasn't--"

"Yes you were. That was, in fact, the stupidest thing I've ever seen you do. The stupidest thing you possibly could have done."

"I meant I wasn't suicidal."

"You have an odd way of showing it." A soft rustling of clothing signified that Hiei had moved; when he next spoke, Shuichi could tell Hiei was facing away from him now. "You would hate Makai. But if there's something there you want to see, Yusuke will accompany you to it."

His tone held such dismissal that Shuichi knew he was getting ready to leave. Without thinking, he flung his hand out in the direction he knew Hiei was standing; his hand landed on Hiei's sleeve and he immediately seized a handful of cloth. "Don't you be stupid either," he said. "I don't want to see Makai, I was looking for _you_."

Hiei grabbed Shuichi's wrist in one hand and pried his shirt out of Shuichi's fingers with the other. The strength of his grip reaffirmed to Shuichi that Hiei was very angry. "Don't," Hiei said.

Shuichi wasn't sure if Hiei meant not to grab him or was still talking about Makai. He chose to act as though it were the latter. "If you wouldn't run, I wouldn't have to chase you."

"Do you have any idea how close you came to dying?"

"Yes," Shuichi replied. "Did it occur to you that that might be an indicator of how desperately I want to talk to you?"

Hiei went still. Even though it was dark, Shuichi could feel his sudden stillness through the grip Hiei still had on his wrist. "Just stay and talk with me," Shuichi urged in a softer tone. "Just let me say I'm sorry."

There was a moment of silence. When Hiei spoke again, there was an edge to his voice. "For?"

Shuichi knew what that edge meant--that if he was smart, he had better backpedal and say it was all untrue, say he had made a mistake and Kurama had never been in love. But he wasn't able to lie about something like that. "For hurting you," he replied evenly.

Another pause--and then Hiei let go of his wrist. Shuichi heard him move away from the bed, but not by far. "You really walked into Makai just to talk to me?"

"I tried everything else," Shuichi said, feeling like it was an inadequate explanation in the face of Hiei's incredulity. "No one would listen."

"With full understanding that you would die?"

"No. I knew it was dangerous, but I didn't know _how _dangerous, because Kurama didn't remember it being dangerous at all. It's… confusing, sometimes." Hiei offered no comment. "Hiei, what happened? I don't remember. Did…" Shuichi swallowed. "Did you save me?"

"No." Shuichi detected bitterness in Hiei's tone. "I'm not _that_ fast. I knew the second you stepped across the border, but it took me a few minutes to get there."

"So…"

"There's a border patrol that takes care of humans that wander into Makai. You were lucky--none of them recognized you, or they would have left you alone. They would have assumed you--that is, Kurama--could handle it. Your arm was injured, but it will still work fine. It might scar--I don't know much about human healing."

Shuichi gently prodded the part of his arm that hurt the worst, wishing he could see how bad it looked. "Hiei, where are the lights?"

"No lights," Hiei said cryptically--Shuichi wasn't sure if he meant there weren't any, or if he was refusing to turn them on. "When I got there, I brought you back over the border to the temple. You've slept through the day and half the night. Genkai said you were in shock."

A whole day and half a night, and Hiei had presumably stayed here in the room the entire time--only to try to rush out the second Shuichi woke up. How typical of him. How many times had he pulled the same routine on Kurama--needing to know he was alright, but not wanting to look like he cared, and most especially wanting to avoid a conversation that was slowly becoming inevitable? This had all happened before.

With a stirring of hope, Shuichi realized that meant Hiei wasn't as angry with him as he'd thought. He still cared if Shuichi was alright. Or was he only looking out for him because Kurama would have wanted it? No--the others might have done that, but not Hiei. He'd made it very clear that he made any promises to Kurama concerning Shuichi. He was here because he wanted to be.

"How far away were you?" Shuichi asked cautiously. "When I stepped across."

"Far."

"And you were there in a matter of minutes. And you've stayed next to me this whole time while I slept. Why?" Shuichi's voice trembled slightly on the question.

Hiei was a long time in responding. When he did, the anger had completely left his voice--he sounded almost as though he was talking to himself. "Kurama told me he loved me once," Hiei said quietly. "After the split. After we knew he was dying. I didn't believe him. I was furious that he would be so condescending, to lie to me like that. Until you spoke of it, I hadn't for one moment considered that…"

Hiei fell silent. Shuichi lay still, unsure how to respond. So Kurama _had_ eventually rectified his mistake, and told Hiei that he loved him. Too late--Hiei had refused to believe it. Just as Kurama had refused to believe, at first. And then Kurama had died before Hiei, in turn, could accept that it was true. He _still_ hadn't accepted it until Shuichi had turned up with his blithe certainty that the two had been in love. Maybe that was what had caused Hiei to react so violently that night--the realization of what had been lost. Maybe that was what he had run away from.

Shuichi spoke carefully. Hiei had just made himself vulnerable, and Shuichi knew it was best if he didn't press the issue right now, so he gave a reply that was on a different subject. "I've been thinking," he began, "about what you said--about where Kurama is right now. I think you're right. He won't return to me. I--remember how he felt about the subject." Which was about the most disorienting memory Shuichi had yet unearthed--a profound resolve to stay away from himself.

"You and I are the only two who will understand that," Hiei said, readily embracing the switch in topic. "The other fools will keep hoping for his return."

"But the rest of it--the memories that come from beyond the time we split are his, no doubt. I still can't explain why I have them. But the rest of it I was _there, _wasn't I? Kurama and I were always both there--he was just stronger."

"So?" Hiei sounded irritated.

"So, it makes a sort of sense that I have Kurama's feelings, and his instincts and memories and everything. Because it was _me_, right up to the split, just as much as it was him."

"So?" Hiei asked again.

"So I _miss_ you," Shuichi said, frustration and a little despair putting more force into his voice than he had meant to. "I miss you."

A silent moment--and then Shuichi felt the bed dip slightly as Hiei sat down next to him. "I miss--everything." His voice was so low Shuichi could barely hear him.

"Please don't run away like that again," Shuichi said fervently. "It was different before, because if he was angry enough or he thought it was important enough Kurama could just go after you. It didn't mean anything, it was just distance, but for me it's impossible. You saw what happened--I can't follow you. Please don't run."

"…You weren't trying to die. You were honestly trying to follow me."

Any anger Shuichi had left melted away. How difficult must it have been for Hiei, to watch Kurama choose to die? And then to think Shuichi had done the same thing-- "Yes," Shuichi said.

Shuichi nearly jumped in surprise when Hiei touched him. It was nothing dramatic--Hiei was sitting on the bed, facing Shuichi from the sound of his voice, and he slid his hand forward so it was touching Shuichi's without exactly holding it. The gesture was familiar--it was something Hiei had done to Kurama more than once. "You claim to have been present this entire time," Hiei said. "But just a few days ago, you were thanking me for being the only one who understood you weren't Kurama."

"I'm not."

"Those are his scars on your hands," Hiei pointed out, running the tip of his finger over a small scar Shuichi couldn't remember acquiring. There were numerous small scars on his palms, he presumed from plantlife mishaps. "But the hands aren't his. So who do you think you are?"

"A person," Shuichi replied, a bit archly. "Just a person."

Hiei snorted softly. He turned Shuichi's hand over, tracing other scars that he already knew where to find. Probably he knew where they came from, too. Shuichi hissed slightly as Hiei's movement of his arm made his shoulder rotate.

Hiei leaned forward--and then the room flooded with light. Shuichi squeezed his eyes tight against the unexpected brightness. Hiei had turned on a lamp that was on a table next to the bed. When his eyes adjusted, Shuichi realized immediately why Hiei had left the lights off before. Hiei's face was scratched and a deep bruise was forming on his left forearm. Saving Shuichi from whatever had been waiting on the other side of the border was not as casual a business as Hiei had made it out to be--only he didn't care anymore if Shuichi knew. "How much does it hurt?" he asked, gesturing to Shuichi's arm.

"It stings." Now that he was getting over the shock of Hiei being injured, even so slightly, Shuichi realized that he himself was decorated with many more bruises and minor scratches. He swallowed new questions about what had happened, deciding he probably didn't want to know.

Hiei had slid up the bed to be sitting next to Shuichi's shoulder, and was now unwrapping the bandage. Shuichi winced when he saw the wound--three long, deep, curved cuts that were unmistakably the work of claws.

Hiei licked his fingers and rubbed spit in the wound. Shuichi noted with detachment that most humans would have found that disgusting--but he only felt complacence, and a sort of comfort at being cared for. After a moment his memory caught up with his emotion and he realized that for a demon, this was a pretty good way to heal surface injuries. Shuichi turned on his side to make it easier for Hiei and reveled in the feeling of being touched. It wasn't a butterflies kind of feeling at all; it was just good, and right. Back to normal.

That thought jarred him. Back to normal? But this wasn't his normal; it was Kurama's. But he was starting increasingly to think he _was_ Kurama--not because Kurama was controlling him, but because they had been one person for so long.

As though he was reading Shuichi's mind, Hiei asked, "So, what will you do if we don't ever learn where Kurama's soul is? Or how you got those memories that are from past the split? If we never know?"

Shuichi spoke with more calmness than he felt. "Then we never know."

Hiei began rewrapping the bandage. "By the way," he said, in a tone that tried and failed to be casual, "if you want to be able to enter Makai--in case the need for pursuit ever arises," he added with, Shuichi could swear, a hint of challenge in his tone. "I will train you if you want."

Shuichi's heart swelled. He knew no one else would understand, but he knew what that offer meant from Hiei. "Yes," he said, rolling onto his back to smile up at Hiei.

And--wonder of wonders--Hiei gave him a flicker of a smile back.


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

(_two months later)_

"Hey! Yusuke!"

Yusuke turned and waved. Shuichi was running up the temple stairs, smiling and waving back. Far behind him--barely within eyesight--Hiei was taking the stairs with deliberate slowness. If Yusuke hadn't known better, he wouldn't have suspected that they'd arrived together.

Shuichi arrived at the top of the stairs, a little pink in the cheeks but not out of breath, and said, "Yusuke, d'you wanna see my Kurama impression?"

Faced with that question, and an eager kid, Yusuke could only blink a few times and say, "Uh…sure?"

With a great deal of flare, Shuichi reached into his hair and announced, "Rose whip!" And--to Yusuke's intense astonishment--the whip actually put in an appearance, falling to the ground in its customary graceful arc.

"That's… a pretty good impression," Yusuke admitted, looking him up and down. "What gives?"

"Hiei taught me. I don't _want_ to use a whip," Shuichi added in a long-suffering tone. The whip contracted back into a rose, which he tucked in his hair with Kurama's customary movement. "I want to use a sword, like Hiei does. But he won't teach me until I learn to handle this stupid thing again. Muscle memory, and all that. Let me ask you, who the hell picks a whip as their primary weapon? It's _really_ hard to maneuver in a tight space. It's stupid."

Faced with this barrage of words--all of it delivered with a cheerful expression, even while he was complaining--Yusuke could only gape. He hadn't seen much of Shuichi in the last few months, not since the chaos and recriminations that had followed Shuichi's impromptu crossing of the border into Makai had died down, so this cheerful, well-trained Shuichi was a shock. He'd had no idea Hiei was training him to use spirit energy--to be honest, he probably wouldn't have remembered to invite Shuichi to the party they were throwing at the temple if Kuwabara hadn't reminded him.

And, speaking of the devil-- "Kuwabara!" Shuichi said happily, looking over Yusuke's shoulder and gesturing for the carrot top to come over. There was a gleam in his eye that was too reminiscent of Yoko Kurama for Yusuke's comfort; Shuichi's voice, however, bespoke pure innocence. "Kuwabara, you can teach me how to use a sword, can't you?"

"Absolutely not," Hiei said, arriving with impeccable timing. "That imbecile can barely keep one end of a sword straight from the other."

"Hey! I heard that!" Kuwabara came up to stand next to Yusuke, glaring at Hiei.

"But Hiei," and now Shuichi's expression practically _dripped_ naivety, "you won't teach me. And I want to learn. So if Kuwabara will teach me--"

"You'll learn how to fight like a fool."

"Watch it, shorty! Kurama taught _me_ how to use my sword, you know!"

"Even the greatest teacher cannot improve upon mediocrity."

Kuwabara ignored that comment, though his teeth were gritted, and addressed himself to Shuichi. "So it's my job to teach you, since Kurama taught me," he said, in a leap of logic that Yusuke didn't quite follow. "_And_ I'll teach you way better than Hiei could. He doesn't even _use_ a sword anymore."

"Don't I?" Hiei said, unsheathing his katana.

A moment later, Yusuke and Shuichi were standing together and watching as Hiei and Kuwabara chased each other around the temple grounds, yelling taunts and insults. Yusuke couldn't help but notice the small, self-satisfied smile on Shuichi's face. "That was well done," he commented. "Now Hiei _has_ to teach you, or he knows Kuwabara will and his pride can't take that. Well played."

"Thank you," Shuichi replied simply.

"What I don't get is why you want to learn."

"I told you, I don't like the whip," Shuichi replied complacently. "I don't mind using plants--they're really pretty versatile--but _anything _other than that whip."

"No, that's not what I meant. I mean, why learn to fight at all? I thought you wanted to be a normal human."

"That's what _Kurama_ wanted for me," Shuichi corrected. "It's not what _I_ want. I want to go back to Makai and see things and do things that I can't do until I'm stronger. I don't think I'll ever be as good as Kurama was, but who knows? I've got more spirit energy than you started out with, from Kurama sharing my body all these years, and you certainly did okay for yourself. Plus I've got memories of Kurama's way of fighting, which is a good place to start forming my own style from. Except I can't see how I'll really ever have my own style, because Hiei's teaching me, and between my memories and his it's almost impossible not to just fall into the same old way of fighting. I guess that wouldn't be too bad. After he teaches me to use a sword, that is."

Then, looking over Yusuke's shoulder, Shuichi got a very mischievous expression on his face and said, "I'm going to go say hello to Yukina. Hiei hates it when I talk to her. He thinks I'm going to give everything away." With a cheerful wave, Shuichi ran off and left Yusuke standing there speechless.

He watched Hiei and Kuwabara mock-fighting with each other, wondering about the start contrast in Shuichi from a few months ago, until Hiei finally got tired of dodging Kuwabara and approached Yusuke. "Don't train him," he said without preamble, giving Yusuke a warning glare. "No matter what he tells you, don't teach him a damn thing. He gets confused because his memories get jumbled up with Kurama's and he thinks he can do things he can't. I know what he's ready for and _I'm_ training him."

Yusuke had to work hard not to grin at Hiei's level of possessiveness. "I wasn't planning on it."

"Make sure you don't. He's enough of a pain in the ass without anyone helping him to go behind my back." Hiei's eyes were trained on Shuichi and Yukina. "I swear sometimes he rebels against what I'm trying to teach him even when he agrees, just for the sake of rebelling."

This time, Yusuke couldn't hide his grin. "Hiei, he's a human teenager. Rebellion is part of the package."

"_You_ were never this stupid when you were human. Close. But not quite."

"He told me he wants to go to be Makai again?"

"He's determined. But he's agreed to wait this time until I say he's ready. He knows I'm serious about it, and he knows he needs me too much to risk alienating me." Yusuke raised his eyebrows. "Because of the memories," Hiei clarified. "There's so much that Kurama took for granted that Shuichi's never had experience with. I can usually sort it out."

"He's still getting more new memories?"

"Yes," Hiei said shortly.

"He doesn't seem…" It was Hiei's turn to raise his eyebrows, while Yusuke tried and failed to find some way of expressing himself that was less blunt. "Well, he doesn't seem miserable anymore. Those memories used to drive him crazy. And so did you, by the way--I know you two had a hell of a fight right before he went into Makai. And now he seems really happy. So what gives?"

Hiei shrugged. "We stopped fighting."

Yusuke hesitated. He was one of few people who felt comfortable enough with Hiei to pressure him into saying more than he wanted to--but something told him not to this time. "So… he's okay, then."

"You saw him. He's fine. He's incorrigible."

"And… Kurama? Any… any signs?"

Hiei looked at him impassively for a moment. "You saw him. He's fine."

Then Hiei walked past him, toward Shuichi, leaving Yusuke staring after him with a slack jaw. Hiei couldn't… he couldn't possibly mean what he'd sounded like. Yusuke knew Kurama well enough to know he _hadn't_ just been talking to him; that had been Shuichi. Kurama wasn't back. Hiei wouldn't be training him if Kurama was back.

And yet--Shuichi had summoned the rose whip. No matter how much he professed to dislike it, he'd _done_ it. He was so completely different from a few months ago. Unafraid of anything--mischievous even--and very much at ease. Almost like Kurama. But not quite.

What was going on?

~*~

"So what's going on?" Botan asked quietly, when she arrived several hours later. She looked nervous, and plainly didn't want to talk to anyone but Yusuke. She was still experiencing backlash from some of the others because of her selective communication concerning Kurama's death. "We still haven't seen any sign of Kurama on our end. Do you think Shuichi…"

"Well, he remembers stuff. A lot of it, and I'm pretty sure some of the stuff he said to me means he remembers things from after he and Kurama split."

"So… he is Kurama?"

"No. Not really. At least--I don't think so. Sort of." Yusuke shrugged, frustrated with his inability to put what he was seeing into words. He'd been watching Shuichi and Hiei pretty carefully, and he thought he had it figured out, but it was hard to explain. "I mean, he's got a lot of Kurama's memories, and Hiei says he's still remembering more and more stuff. But--well, before, when we all knew Kurama, it was like Shuichi was this tiny piece of him. Like a personality quirk. It's like the reverse now. Like Kurama's there, but he's in the background now, just a tiny part and Shuichi's the one in control."

"You mean, Kurama _has_ gone back to this body, only he's hiding?"

"No. I'm not saying this right. I think--I think Kurama is dead," he suddenly said, flatly. It was the first time he'd said that. "The way we knew him is dead. Shuichi won't ever be that person, but that person's _part_ of Shuichi, and… oh, hell, I can't explain it. Just watch him for awhile. I'm not one hundred percent sure what happened, but I think Kurama would have been okay with it."

Botan bit her lip and didn't respond for a moment. "What about Hiei?" she finally asked in the same low tone, not looking at him.

Yusuke smiled, suddenly more relaxed than he had been when talking about Shuichi. "I don't think you need to worry about seeing him on your side of things anytime soon. He's teaching Shuichi how to fight, so that tells you something."

"What does it tell you?"

Yusuke rolled his eyes; sometimes he forgot that Botan wasn't a fighter. "That he's planning on getting a return on his efforts." Botan still looked blank, so he added, "He's planning on staying here."

~*~

"Botan doesn't want to be near me," Shuichi observed.

Hiei spared a glance in the direction Shuichi was looking. "Botan won't ever see you," he replied dismissively. "If she does talk to you, she'll always be examining you for signs of Kurama." A small smile flickered across his face. "It must drive her crazy that he found a way to sneak past her."

"She probably feels guilty that she can't find him," Shuichi countered.

"Think what you like."

"I will." Shuichi scowled at him. "And I'm going to go talk to her."

"Suit yourself."

Shuichi got up and walked away. He looked over his shoulder once, a brief moment of uncertainty, wanting to know that Hiei hadn't vanished into the forest. Then he faced front again, walking briskly. Hiei watched the first few moments of his attempt to establish peace with the reaper; then he turned away and looked at the forest. There was a prickling on the back of his neck, a tingling in his spine, that made him feel like he was being watched. He highly suspected he was imagining it. But he couldn't be sure.

He watched the forest silently for several minutes. Then he shook his head and gave a quiet chuckle. "Idiot," he said softly, and it wasn't clear whether he was talking to himself or to somebody else. He turned his back on the trees and went to join the others.

* * *

_(A/N): This is the end. You may draw your own conclusions as to what you think really happened. I hope everyone enjoyed this experiment._


End file.
